12 Days of Valentines…a gift every day for 12 days. These are the kinds of things I did when my husband and I were dating. But there is a difference between love and limerence. Have you heard the word limerence? I hadn’t until my husband and I attended a marriage conference at church several years ago. Limerence encompasses infatuation, obsession and attraction. Most romantic relationships begin with limerence. It’s that high on life, rose colored glasses feeling that characterizes early relationships. It can last for up to 3 years.
Limerence (which, let’s face it, can feel like love) either evolves to love or fades and goes away. This makes it possible for us to have extremely strong feelings for someone, but not choose that person for the long haul. When your mind joins your feelings, you can better determine if a relationship is fit for you. But what happens when you have chosen someone in marriage and the limerence dies? Many file for divorce when the relationship no longer feels titillating. And others aren’t so short sighted – choosing to love despite the absence of butterflies.
Love after limerence doesn’t mean a life devoid of passion and attraction. It just means that you are able to look at your relationship more objectively. Your spouse can finally get off that pedestal and join you on the same level. And even though life may settle into children and chores and nights in front of the TV, a love based on reality instead of fantasy can be so much more satisfying.
For me:
Love then was his arm falling asleep because he worried that if he adjusted it, I might not hold his hand again. Love now is his hands tiring while rubbing my back when the spasms strike again.
Love then was him buying expensive presents to impress me. Love now is him working long hours to support me and our daughters.
Love then was his puffed up chest when someone asked me if I’d ever done any modeling. Love now is his ongoing attraction to me after the birth of two babies, multiple surgery scars and many extra pounds.
Love then was hating to say good night at the end of the evening. Love now is the comfort of sleeping beside him every night.
Love then was dreaming about a future family together. Love now is raising kids as a team even when it’s really, really hard.
Love then was getting all dressed up to go see him. Love now is understanding that he loves me just as much with messy hair and sweats.
Love then was a knee buckling first kiss. Love now is getting to kiss him whenever I want.
Love then was anxiously awaiting the first declaration of his love. Love now is hearing it multiple times a day.
Love then was not being able to keep our hands off each other. Love now is appreciating every stolen moment we can find between responsibilities.
Love then was him gushing over my cooking – even if he didn’t really like it. Love now is him giving me kind but honest feedback and then helping clean up the kitchen.
Love then was him plotting the perfect proposal. Love now is him scheduling my round the clock care during cancer treatment.
Love then was planning our wedding. Love now is planning for retirement.
Love then was constant flowers. Love now is…sometimes still flowers!
Love then felt uncertain. Love now feels forever.
Love then was great! Love now is greater!
Love is my forever Valentine. After 22 years, he’s still all I ever hoped for, and this is dedicated to him.
Who wants to play along? In the comments give me one “Love then was…Love now is” statement about you! And Happy Valentine’s Day.
Now for this week’s featured post!
I want to share Michele Morin’s Intercessory Prayer: The Hardest Work in the World with you. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have understood this. But when the lives of your loved ones are turned upside down physically, emotionally and spiritually, the wrestling begins. If you are ever in a spot of agonizing, sleepless nights over someone else and you wonder if God is listening; I want you to have these words in your back pocket.
1. Share 1 or 2 of your most recent CHRISTIAN LIVING posts. (No DIY, crafts, recipes, or inappropriate articles.) All links are randomly sorted.
2. Comment on 1 or 2 other links. Grace & Truth linkup encourages community.
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We encourage you to follow our hosts on their blogs or social media.
MAREE DEE – Embracing the Unexpected
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HEATHER HART & VALERIE RIESE – Candidly Christian
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LAUREN SPARKS
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LISA BURGESS – Lisa notes
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Thanks so much for featuring my post here! And for teaching me a new word!
My pleasure. And you’re welcome!
Ahhh, Lauren, I loved this, and my head was nodding with each of these. Let’s see, a love then…and love now for me would be:
Love then was hanging out by the phone to wait for his call (long distance romance). Love now is the unexpected call in the middle of his workday just to say, “I was thinking about you.”
Love then was him holding me as yet another month went past with no pregnancy. Love now is our praying, talking, sometimes crying together as we walk through life with our teenage boy-men.
I could probably fill this with more, but I’ll stop. 🙂
Oh Jeanne, thanks so much for playing along. And your contributions made me smile. I would read more anytime.
This was just a beautiful and fun post. It is amazing to me how love changes, and sometimes, does not change at all 🙂
Love then was walking him to the back door to kiss and say goodbye as he left for work. Love now is doing the very same thing every single morning for 41 years.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Thanks so much for playing along, Joanne!!!
Limerence … never heard of it! After just about 45 years there are still glimmers. I just love how you’ve shown that true love matures, morphs, grows into something solid that stands the test of time.
Like this season we’re all finding ourselves in …
Thanks, Lauren!
Glad to introduce you to the concept! Thanks, Linda.
I have never heard of the word “limerence”. Now I want to find a way to slip it into my next conversation! 🙂
Loved your “Love then and now” statements. Here’s one:
Love then was staying awake until midnight so I could talk to him on the phone after he finished working 2nd shift. Love now is both of us falling asleep in the living room by 9:00, then walking up to bed holding hands.
Awww. Beautiful. Thank you for playing, Laurie!
Limerence sounds like poetry with sparkles – and that falling in love felt like poetry and sparkles. I was nodding my head with your list – such a beautiful forever love list!
Then: Love is saying I Do having no idea of the challenges the future holds.
Now: Love having been through the challenges together – the good, the bad and the ugly revealed in the the challenge – and loving all the more it.
Then: A logos love of God
Now: A rhema love of God – the tears, the prayers and the miracles as we’ve pressed in, leaned in, and it came alive and beautiful and real!
Maryleigh, I love that you played along and that you did one for your relationship with God as well. He is the best Valentine. Poetry and sparkles indeed.
Love this post, Lauren! You taught me a new word also.
“Love then was arranging priorities where we could spend every evening together…After 45 years, Love now is still spending every evening together.” We might be doing different things but we are still in the same physical space.
Thanks so much for playing, Jerralea! Love it.
This is the sweetest! For me, “Love then was dreaming of being his wife; love now is living the dream” (even after almost 33 years of marriage!)
Thanks for sharing… stopping by from #tellhisstory
Living the dream. I’m loving it! Thank you for playing along, Laura.
Lauren, I love this post so much! I had never heard the word limerence before so that was a fun little vocabulary lesson for me. And what a beautiful tribute to your love! It really does change through the years but it just keeps getting better! For me and you, at least, and I am very grateful for that. For us, love then was needing to spend every available moment together and love now is appreciating and respecting that sometimes we both need solitude as well. Thanks for linking with me.
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Thanks for playing along. And I LOVE your contribution. So important – especially as we grow wiser, I’ll say. 🙂