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I thought I would be different. I had visions of me having no opinions whatsoever of the sports or activities in which my daughter wanted to participate. In my dreams I was a laid back encourager. Not overly involved, but always present. Quietly supporting her as she chased her dreams. Loose. Chill. Totally calm, cool and collected. And then volleyball happened.

We live in an uber competitive area where you basically have to pay for private club sports from the time your child is tottering to be able to play for your school team. Having not really understood this, and my daughter teething on a frozen wash rag instead of ball leather, I feel a little lacking and a little not wealthy enough to give her any kind of leg up. And yet she loves this game. And I love this game. I played it. I coached it. And therefore, I HAVE NO CHILL.

I had every intension of being a positive, shining example to the other team moms. But instead, I am embarrassed for anyone but my husband to hear the things that come out of my mouth when she is playing. Sometimes, I’m even ashamed for him to hear, but he took a vow. He’s stuck with me.

It’s painful for me that she’s not the best. That she’s not a starter. That she doesn’t play select at the highest level. When her team is stinking it up, I get all riled up and come dangerously close to loosing my mess. If any of my fellow team moms are now wondering if I have griped and complained about your daughter, the truth is that I have. But if it makes you feel any better – I have nothing against her. I am an equal opportunity griper. I’m so deeply sorry. And here’s a horrible admission. It embarrasses me when my child messes up. And I’m jealous of those who are better. Did you hear that? I am jealous of 13 year old girls. How…utterly…ridiculous.

Every time my girl competes, I am surprised all over again at what comes pouring out of my heart. What motivates me, who is normally a DELIGHT, to think and act this way? PRIDE. And what’s behind this pride? Deep-seated insecurity. I wanted to be the best, and now I want it for her. But at what price? C.S. Lewis said, “For pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense.” I’ve battled physical cancer. I don’t need the spiritual kind. The bible tells us, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6 NIV Opposed by God. That’s a loosing tournament bracket if ever there was one.

My goal for the next match (motivated by pleasing God and not being pond scum) is to be the world’s okayest sports mom. A complete transformation may take some time, but I want to take the advice Paul gave to the Philippians. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.” 2:3 NIV

I am joining Kate Motaung and other members of the Five Minute Friday community for our weekly writing adventure. To learn about Five Minute Friday, click here. This week’s prompt is, “Motivate”.

It’s pretty painful when you get slapped upside the head with your own sin nature. It happened to me this week. I wrote previously, in a somewhat joking manner, about being a bad sports mom here. But today I saw it for what it is – not a joking matter. It was ugly and green and monstrous. My jealousy. On behalf of my daughter. For months it’s been spewing forth in the form excuses and snide remarks. But I didn’t see it for what it was until now. Sin. In all it’s unattractive darkness.

I cried buckets of tears as the conviction set in. The way it was hardening my heart. The way it was trickling down to my daughter and infecting my husband. The way it was hurting others. As I piously complained about “those catty moms” I was blinded to the fact that I was morphing into one. Like a transformer with an evil side. And the grief over this sin has left me sick to my stomach and hugging the toilet. That may be more information than you wanted to have, but as a writer, I process the world around me with words. So you few faithful readers – if you hang in there – have to process it with me. My hope is that maybe you will learn a little something with me too.

I’ve done what I can in the immediate to rectify the situation. I have apologized to those I’ve hurt and I have confessed the jealousy to God and asked His forgiveness, but now I have a lot of work to do on me. I’m so thankful God offers plenty of help and grace for the process. In analyzing how I got here, I have to be honest enough to admit that I have personally never felt good enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, not athletic enough, not fun enough. Enough to get by, but perpetually second string. So when I started to hear the words, “I’m not good enough” from my daughter’s mouth, something snapped in me. I wanted so much more than that for her. And I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I’ve let her success – or lack there or – become an idol to me.

I know that God has forgiven me, and I hope those I’ve hurt can as well, but I’m afraid that carefully constructed idol won’t tumble over night. So walking and talking this out with God has led me to two immediate courses of action to help drive this envy out of my heart.

I realize that by coveting the achievements of my daughter’s friends, I am subconsciously saying that what my girl can accomplish is not enough. That she is not enough. That is the opposite of how I feel about her. Starting right now, I must celebrate where she is and what she does with no comparison.
I have to fight back this scarcity mentality that tells me another’s success is my child’s failure. The truth is there is enough success to go around. I need to relish in the success of her friends – like she does. I need to follow her lead.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

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