I have a tell.  When I go to chemotherapy, I am given large doses of steroids to reduce the risk of dangerous reactions to the drugs.  A couple of hours after my infusion is complete, the steroids change my complexion.  My face takes on the appearance of an embarrassed flush x 10 – turning  bright red and hot to the touch.  There is no denying what is happening.  Make-up won’t cover it up and anyone who knows what is going on with me knows that it was chemo day.

I would rather have a tell like Moses.  In Exodus chapter 34, he goes up to Mount Sinai to receive from God the second set of the 10 Commandments (after having broken the first).  God instructed him to come by himself and “When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord.” (verse 29, NIV)  The word “radiant” holds a much different meaning here than how you and I might use it to describe a bride on her wedding day, or the beautiful young girls headed to prom these last few weeks.  Verse 30 tells us that “When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him.”  AFRAID.  We are talking about a total transformation.  Moses eventually veiled his face to put others at ease!  I love the wording of the International Standard Version.  Moses “did not know that the skin of his face was ablaze with light because he had been speaking with God.”

I can definitely relate to my face being “ablaze”, but how I wish it had nothing to do with steroids.  I am praying for a different kind of tell.  The kind I saw in someone recently at the REC center.  When you work in a gym environment, you see a lot of the same customers coming in and out as they faithfully pursue their fitness goals.  One young man in particular caught my attention because of the joy he exhibited on a consistent basis.  I finally stopped him one day and just asked, “Are you a believer?”  He answered me in the affirmative and I told him I could just tell.  And that’s what I want for me.  I want to be so transformed by my time with my heavenly Father that others can tell where I’ve been.  I want to shine so brightly for him that others don’t see me at all anymore.  I want to disappear into who He is and who He would have me to be.  I want change that will last long after this cancer battle is over.  I’m striving toward a transformation more life-changing and permanent than red ‘roid face could ever be.

I received my first infusion on Friday.  My sweet sister asked me that morning how she could pray for me.  I told her I honestly didn’t know what to pray.  At times like this I am so thankful for God’s promise in Romans 8:26, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” NIV  Heading into chemo for the first time felt so bizarre.  It still does.  I know it’s what I need to do, but I don’t want to.  Afraid of the unknown, worried about the side effects, but following the doctor’s recommended protocol.  In order for the drugs to kill any remaining cancer cells that may be in my body, they have to be strong enough to kill other things as well.  Things I would rather have left in tact.  Like me hair.  My immune system, my energy and vitality.

A friend of mine told me that she knew someone who referred to her infusions as her “healing”.  And that’s what she would say when it was time to go.  “I’m off to my healing!”  I love this perspective.  In our culture of shortcuts and abbreviations, we are unwittingly diminishing the most important part of treatment.  We call it chemo.  And yes, there are a lot of chemicals being pumped into my veins.  But the purpose of them is the therapy.  It’s about the healing.  It’s about embracing the skill, intelligence and technology God has given to my doctors to ensure that I can be around to serve Him for as long as He wills.

Not everything God allows into our lives is pleasant.  Cancer, injury, financial struggles, broken relationships, emotional pain.  Yuck.  Whatever the hardship, it can feel like a poison flowing through our veins and destroying whatever is in its path.  But God teaches that he can use anything this broken world can dish up.  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28 NIV  That’s the therapy.

My limited vision sees the challenges more readily.  The pain and weakness caused by chemo – or life’s rocky roads, can overwhelm me at times and blind me to the bigger purpose.  But God has ways of gently reminding me that He will carry me through this; just like He has carried me through surgery; just like He as carried me through difficult relationships; just like He has carried me through depression; and just like He is still carrying me through Shelby’s special needs and medical challenges.  There is healing on the other side.  Actually, there is healing happening right now.  It’s more challenging to see in the heaviest moments, but hope and joy exist in each instant when we ask our Father for eyes to see it.