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More on Friendship and True Community

May 11, 2018 by Lauren 22 Comments

 

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote wrote a post about my deep seated desire for authentic friendship and community.  You can find it here.  I don’t think I’ve written anything that has engendered this much discussion since this piece on special needs and the church.  The response I got begged for a follow-up.  Honestly, I almost didn’t publish the article because it seemed a little whiny.  A little too needy.  And who wants to be either of those things?  But I sat with it and prayed about it and decided that it was an authentic part of my experience and needed to be shared.  I was ill prepared for how great was the need.

 

I heard from women in my own community and across the country who feel isolated and crave intimate friendships.  Based on Instagram and Facebook, I bought the lie that everyone else has an active and fulfilling social life, so I must be a loser.  But this conversation has shown me that there are LOTS of losers out there!  Hmmm.  Maybe there is a better way to say that.  An unfulfilled desire for connection is much more common than I previously thought – especially among women around my age and stage of life.  I got responses like, “I thought it was just me.”  and “It stinks being the perpetual asker.”  Wow.  To be truly understood in the area felt like a breath of fresh air to me.  Almost like I created some community by writing about community!

 

For most women, friendships are soooooo important.  So it is also quite painful when things go awry.  I can tell you from my own personal experience that I had a relationship fall out several months ago that I consider the most painful thing I endured in 2017. And I had a cancer diagnosis, chemo and 4 surgeries!  You might think I am exaggerating to make a point, but I assure you I’m not.  I’m such a relational person that cutting out a friendship was much more traumatic than anything that happened to me in an operating room.  Loosing my breasts was just physical.  A severed relationship cuts to my very soul.  And the absence of significant, intimate friendships can feel as handicapping as a missing limb.

The absence of significant, intimate friendships can feel as handicapping as a missing limb.

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After giving this topic some more thought and reading what others have had to say, I have a couple of practical suggestions:

  1.  On busyness.  My number one relationship complaint has been that no one has time to offer.  And real friendships take time.  Not just shooting an occasional text and running into each other at church or kids sporting events, but genuine time.  To sit.  To talk.  To eat a meal together.  To come to the aid of someone in need.  This is a real problem.  Most of us need to find ways to give ourselves more margin for rest, relaxation and relationships.  Things that feed us and make us better to be around.  But the truth is that we all have responsibilities and commitments that must be fulfilled.  Most of us can’t lighten our loads over night.  This thought occurred to me as the previous article became a siren call for quality time and a few sweet individuals answered that call.  I now have invitations to lunches and coffees in May.  Otherwise known as “hell month” for anyone with kids in public school.  We have all the events and all the banquets and all the things.  So what do we do when we truly ARE busy?  How about instead of merely declining an invitation – we look at our calendars and find an alternative.  For example, “I have to drive my kiddos to events this evening, but I would love to see you and have Wednesday lunch free.  Would that work for you?”
  2. I stated in the last post that I was “fighting” for community.  That I wasn’t going to give up inviting and expanding my current group of friends in the hopes of growing fellowship.  And I do think it’s important for me to put myself out there to be open to possibilities.  But one wise friend reminded me that I should not neglect asking God for my heart’s desires – especially when the desires line up with his will for us.  And we know He wants us to be in fellowship with other believers.  In John 16:24, Jesus tells us, “ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full.”  In my Bible, those words are in red – straight from the mouth of the Man himself.  So while I think we should step out in obedience to any invitations or opportunities God is leading toward, I also need to step up my prayers in this area.  As one bloggy friend said, “Sometimes the best connections form unexpectedly.”

So here’s to good friends.  Tonight is kinda special.  Wait…that’s a beer commercial.  So here’s wishing you unexpected connections, God surprises and life-giving community.

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Are You Tired of Being Tired?

March 11, 2018 by Lauren 4 Comments

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Last weekend we hosted a sweet group of girls for my daughter’s 13th birthday party – a sleepover.  As they munched on donuts around the breakfast table, several of them bragged about staying awake until 5:30 in the morning.  My girl was so proud of herself, even as her dad and I exchanged sympathetic looks.  We knew that we would be punished with exhaustion-fueled poor behavior before the weekend drew to conclusion.

 

In college, all-nighters were celebrated for constituting the “best party ever” or proving what serious students we were as we prepared for a test or project.

 

As adults, we tend to prove our worth to ourselves and others by how tired we are.  Translation – I am busy therefore I matter.  I am tired because I work long hours at my job = I make a lot of money/ take good care of my family/ have an important title.  I am tired because I constantly run from one child’s activities to another’s = I am a good parent/ I have talented kids.  I am tired because I am constantly volunteering = I am a giving person/ involved parent/ exemplary church member.

 

In my opinion, “complaining” about how tired or busy we stay is the new humble brag.  Somehow our worth gets tangled up with how much we can do.  This is so backward from God’s economy.  In Genesis chapter 2, God himself set the example for us on resting from work.  I don’t for a minute think that our all-powerful God was exhausted after creating the earth and everything in it.  I believe he knew we needed guidance to develop an appropriate work/rest balance.  In Hebrews 4 we are given these instructions, “There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his.  Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience.”  v. 9-11  From this passage, we can only conclude that being perpetually over-tired is not just deleterious to our health and well-being, it’s disobedient to our Creator and Sustainer.

 

My new friend Traci Michele recently wrote a piece called “Quiet Enough to Hear Him Speak”.  I would encourage you to read it here.  She stopped me dead in my tracks today with this thought, “What if God’s dream for you and I is to be ordinarily beautiful and unseen.”  What if all of our striving is for naught.  What if no one ever calls me brilliant or gifted?  What if no one is ever impressed with my parenting.  What if no one outside my little circle knows my name?  What if I never make much money?  What if no one ever reads another word I write?  Would it be ok if it meant a deep, abiding relationship with my Savior?

 

In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Rest.  Light and easy burdens.  Sounds sooooo great.  But do we really want that if it means we no longer fit our culture’s description of success?  Psalm 37:7 commands us to “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.”  But it’s easier said than done.  “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for he grants sleep to those he loves.”  Psalm 127:2

 

When I allow myself the time to just “be” with my Father – to sit in quiet with Him, to rest in His Word – I actually hear from Him.  The intimacy of truly being in communion with Him is intoxicating.  It fills me so differently and so much more completely than the days I quickly rattle off a prayer and read a devotion before rushing to the next task.  His presence is what I need.  To sit in quiet and stillness.  To use a pen and paper to journal my thoughts and prayers.  To doodle and color scripture verses and let my mind wander to Him.  To meditate on a single verse or passage.  To look at commentary for deeper meaning.  These are the things that matter.  These things are life-giving.  But we have to make the rest of our world stop moving long enough to relish the relationship and the benefit.  It’s sooooo worth it.

 

“The Lord replied, ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.'”  Exodus 33:14

 

I am joining Kate Motaung and other members of the Five Minute Friday community  for our weekly writing adventure. To learn about Five Minute Friday, click here. This week’s prompt is, “Tired”.

 

 

 

 

 

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About Me

I love Jesus, my husband and caffeine. The order of these can change depending on how tired I am. When my two daughters, stepson, and 4 grandchildren get to be too much, I practice yoga. God graciously allows me to share our adventures, victories and flub-ups from my laptop. May He be glorified here.
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