Although I kinda tried to avoid it, I think I have to do a New Year’s resolution adjacent post. It’s not really a resolution post because it has been years since I’ve set those (mostly due to lousy follow-thru on my part). But God and I are working on some things, and in the spirit of authenticity and my own ability to process, I think I need to write about it. Let me begin by saying that this is all very much a work in progress and I’ve cried many tears already this very day. I am as tender as the incisions from my recent surgery. My physical and emotional wounds are painful, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t promoting healing. I think the waterworks are a sign that my hard heart is softening.
I should probably back up a bit. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time (or you are an IRL friend), you know that the last two years have been tough for my family. The dark tunnel has seemed darker the last couple of months because I had much hope at the end of last year that we were putting hard times behind us and launching into a fabulous new year. But 2018 was NOT fabulous and the light at the end of this tunnel looks farther away than ever. While lots of my friends and fellow authors have picked a word for the year to be their focus and inspiration, I relate to Jami Amerine from Sacred Ground, Sticky Floors when she said, “If I picked a word for the year, it would be obscene, and I try not to cuss.”
While swimming the butterfly in a pool of self-pity, I questioned myself about why my kicks and strokes were drowning me. And the honest thought I had was, “Well, up until now we’ve lead a pretty charmed life.” And as soon as that thought crossed over the pathways and synapses of my brain, I said out loud, “WHAT?! Are you serious? Charmed?” From the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I have battled through the fall-out that broken marriages inevitably leave. We have a severely mentally and physically handicapped adult daughter who will forever be dependent on us. We dealt with financial woes, life-threatening seizures, my sub-clinical eating disorder and chronic pain. And yet…I honestly meant that my life, until 2 years ago, was charmed. But certainly no one else would agree. How can I really believe that the sum of all those problems equaled roses, but now I have thorns?
The only conclusion that makes any sense in this, is that things really haven’t changed. Some of the individual situations have changed, but in the big picture of our lives, I have trouble now and I had trouble then. So what is different? Sigh. I got tired. And I allowed my circumstances to change how I viewed God. I’ve never lost my faith. I made a decision a long time ago to give my life to God because He gave everything for me. I’ve never second guessed it. But somewhere along the way, I let my feelings cloud my vision of what is true. I stopped feeling in my heart that God showed kindness to me, even when my head knew the truth that He loves me in ways and volumes that I may NEVER understand.
A couple of Sundays ago in church, one of our staff ministers quoted 2 Timothy 4:5 NASB “But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” This verse hit me between the eyes – right where my two eyebrows want to become one. I’ve stalled myself. I’ve been waiting (and way too focused, I might add) for our situations to improve. I don’t think there is anything wrong with praying for that…and hoping for that. But with the end of hardship and suffering, and not the finished work of Jesus Christ, as the nucleus of my hope, I bought a one-way ticket to personal disappointment and ineffectual ministry. The passage says I am to “endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” In my efforts to ESCAPE, rather than endure, hardship, I have neglected the latter two. And so this becomes my verse for 2019.
There’s an old joke about an old couple who saw a much younger couple drive by in a pickup truck. The pretty girl was sitting in the middle of the truck – as close to the boy as she could get. The older woman wistfully looks at the space between her husband and herself, saying, “Remember when we used to sit like that?” Her husband’s response? “I haven’t moved.”
In previous efforts to extricate myself from a funk, I picked up the discipline of gratitude journaling. I still think it’s a good idea, but I think I need to tweak it a little. Along with writing out 2 Timothy 4:5 every day, I have decided to write about the sweetness of God. Every day I plan to record one way that God is sweet to me. Because I need reminding. I don’t know if, at the end of 2019, I will find my circumstances significantly improved; but I know that if I rehearse God’s word and remind myself how good and kind He is, that by December 31st I’ll be sitting closer to Him than I have in a long time. That’s a better goal than any other I could dream up.
“There’s a private place reserved for the lovers of God, where they sit near him and receive the revelation-secrets of his promises.” Psalm 25:14 The Passion Translation
I so enjoyed your post, Lauren. First…I am not a New Year’s resolution kind of person and I am not someone who has ever sensed I had one specific word for a year. Beyond that the genuine open expression of who you are in life with hubby, family, and the Lord very much blessed me.
I would also add that I understand the challenges that can come with an adult child who has mental and physical challenges. My younger brother had mental, emotional, and physical issues from the day of his birth and as his older sibling I was often involved with problem-solving and trying to encourage my mother. When both my parents died in 1995, I became his guardian until he died in 2012 and dealt with it firsthand.
Have a blessed weekend and may the Lord show you a path in the midst of the fog.
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Pam! I visit you often and enjoy your blog.
I definitely hear parts of my own relationship with God in your story. Although the past decade has been difficult, I believe this next one will be filled with God’s blessings. Not that He wasn’t blessing before, I just wasn’t as attuned to it. I’ve been trying to journal more consistently this year, and I love the idea of writing down one blessing from Him each day. So simple, yet so profound. Thanks for the message today.
Thank you so much Tracey. Praying His best for you.
Wow! Wow! Wow! What a beautiful post about gratitude and suffering. God is with us always, especially during trying times. Gratitude is the best way to combat malaise. You have got this, Lauren. Sending prayers and hugs your way!
Thank you for the encouragement, Laurie.
Your honesty is beautiful. We are all out here trying to make it and doing the best we can in the process. I have been working on rebuilding my faith as well after my “charmed” life fell unexpectedly crushing to the ground, and I too use God’s promises to remind me that He does care about my prayers and does wish me well.
Thank you, Brittany. Saying a prayer for you today. He is faithful.
Lauren, Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest. I don’t like to think of enduring hardship as being part of fulfilling my ministry! I want smooth waters. What a blessing that God wants me to draw in close when it’s not! Blessings and prayers!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Deb!
Powerful. I teach in a Christian school and try to impart onto my students that God does not move but he will chase after us. #mixitup
I love this Tracy. He doesn’t move but he will chase us! Thank you!
First of all, I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog today. Secondly, I wanted to commend you for such a raw, well written post. You have been though a lot but your trust in the Lord shall guide you even when you feel lost. Hugs!
Thank you for the encouragement, Andrea.
Thank you for your honesty in sharing what God has been doing. I’m sorry it has been so tough for you. Praying that you know God’s love and strength in those weary places.
Thank you, Lesley.
Your powerful words are intertwined with grief and hope. They strike a chord in my heart as I understand suffering. While I don’t understand what it is to have a child with a physical or mental handicap, I do have children with the hidden disability of mental illness as well as two who have experienced trauma despite our attempts to protect them. Choosing to live out our ministry can be such a challenge and is not without cost, but I’m convinced the Father’s love will supersede any of our pain and difficulty here. Praying for you as you recover, Lauren. Thank you for this beautiful post, Tammy
Your encouragement means so much, Tammy. Thank you.
Lauren, such a transparent post and a beautiful reminder that our God has not moved. No matter what we go through He is ever present, ever faithful and ever at work. Praying for you and your family this afternoon. Blessings!
I cover your prayers, Joanne. Thank you so much for offering them freely.
Lauren, know that I’m praying God’s peace for you in 2019. Love and blessings to you!
Thank you for the prayers, Sarah. Praying you up as well!
Dear Lauren, what a beautifully challenging post you’ve shared with us from a full and tender heart.
Your story has touched me.
May you give yourself plenty of grace and space as you live out your calling.
He is able …
Your sweet words and encouragement mean so much to me, Linda.
This post exudes your heart to be closer and sitting at the feet of Jesus!! I know it’s a question I need to revisit often with my physical challenges, God am I being complacent, content to just keep moving but not really moving forward. Thank you for sharing your heart. Visiting from wbr linkup
Thank you, April. Praying for you in your physical challenges right now.
I relate to this post SO much! I did choose a word for the year but I laughed out loud when I read what you wrote about it. 2018 was a horrible year for us too. One I would never want to repeat. But like you, I figured out that I had allowed my trust in God to slip. This year I started the year with the attitude that if 2018 couldn’t take us down, 2019 didn’t have a chance, while vowing to trust in God more. If I wanted to see the dark side of things, I could. (My Husband is one of the many Federal Employees that isn’t getting paid right now.) But I’m trusting in God, and he has provided this year. I don’t have to give into my anxiety. May 2019 be a better year for both of us! #TuneInThursdays
Calleen, I love your attitude. I too shall say that if 2017 and 2018 didn’t take me down, 2019 can eat my dust! I am praying right now for your anxiety and for the govt shut down to end ASAP! Thank you for being my bloggy friend!
First of all, you write so very well. It’s a gift, I know. So perhaps that can be a sweetness of God today. Secondly, to know and say, I got tired is so very smart and in tune with real life. If we didn’t all have that propensity, God wouldn’t need to say more than in one scripture, Endure. Thirdly, I remember reading a verse over and over so much in college that it memorized me. I’m not sure that makes sense, but it may. And you will feel it’s strength as you read and mull and continue to cry out to God who, in the end, makes all things new. I will share. (that vs for me was Ps. 143:8 in the KJV bec I’m that old.)
Thank you for the compliment, Sue. WordPress doesn’t like my style, but as long as we do, who cares? 😉 And I am looking that verse up right now!
Your heart here is beautiful. There are so many things I’d say if we were sitting across the table in a coffee shop. Perhaps the most important is that I’d look you in the eye and tell you, “I see you.”
Sometimes we don’t realize how much we are carrying. Sometimes it’s not the weight of it, but it’s the prolonged carrying, the weight of time. Sometimes it’s just too much.
I love that you are seeking God. I love that you are pressing in, even when it feels easier to move away. I love that you are real and encouraging even in your hard places. Praying for 2019 to be a new year filled with grace for you.
Rebecca, your words are so beautifully kind and encouraging. And your phrase “the weight of time” feels very right. Thank you for your prayers and allowing God to use you today. Your comment is proof to me that He is kind.
Thank you for your honesty. I love your heart. I too have chosen a word for the year. It’s something I blogged about as well. I’m believing this year will be marked by the “new,” and that my song of lament will become a new song.
I am reading a wonderful book on lament right now. It is really speaking to me. I’m saying a prayer for you right now.
Oh this is SO good, Lauren!! Thank you for sharing with transparency. Your words are a gift, and a reminder that my god does not move. He is constant. Unchanging. Full of grace and mercy and LOVE. Sharing this today. <3