Lauren Sparks

The Sparks Notes

When You Can’t Turn Back Time with Your Teen

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Image by Les Fisher

 

“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”  Psalms 127:3 NASB

 

I believe this to the depths of my being – most days.  If I am completely honest, it is often hard to “behold” this truth now that she is firmly ensconced in teenage angst.  The most difficult times?  When I “beholding” an empty wallet, when I “beholding” all of her  prized possessions I have found scattered around our house, when I “beholding” my temper while attempting to shop with her (I wrote about that here), or when I “beholding” my tongue while she sasses me or insists for the 187th time that she knows better than me.

 

Ugh.  If I could choose to only ever communicate 2 things to my 13 year old, I would let her know that #1 – she is wonderfully made by a Savior who adores her wants to be with her forever, and #2 – that her dad and I love her madly and are ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS in her corner.  What often comes out instead is some horribly timed and messy variation of, “why can’t you do better!?!”  I could crawl up in the fetal position to think of the ways my flesh gets the better of me and my words wound instead of heal.  But balling up with a gallon of Blue Bell (Come on now.  If I’m in the fetal position, there is ice cream involved.) won’t turn back time – as much as Cher might sing about it.  Hopefully I didn’t just give you the ear worm I now have.

 

The truth is, my kid is kinda over me.  She loves me because I’m her mom and I’m thankful I still get hugs and kisses, but she currently takes most of her cues from people other than me.  Willingly, at least.  She listens more to friends, youth ministers and other influencers than to her family.  I often imagine that she hears Charlie Brown’s teacher when I discuss something with her.  But even if she’s not as inclined to listen, I’m not done guiding her.  And I’m specifically not done filling her with the 2 important messages I listed above.  So I’m trying to get more creative in attempts to connect with her.

 

Here’s what I know.  Grand gestures embarrass her now.  I could spend a lot of money on taking her some place cool or buying her things.  She *might* have an appreciative reaction, or I *might* end up feeling unappreciated and dejected.  So I’m opting right now for small, repetitive tokens of my affection.  Here are the two things that seem to be working for me right now.

 

  1.  When I was in college, I decided it would be cool to have one more piercing in one ear than the other.  Asymmetrical ear holes was the extent of my “edge” back then (and maybe now).  So when I jewelry (can I use that as a verb?), I wear a pair of earrings and then one lone stud or small hoop.  My daughter’s middle name is Rose.  I have this Rose stud that reminds me of her every time I wear it.

In a Carol Burnett-esque move, I now tell her when I’m wearing it and will randomly touch it when I catch her eye – like              during choir performances and volleyball games and random Wednesdays.  She knows it means, “I’m behind you.  I’m here for you.”

 

2.  The second idea I stole from a fellow volleyball mom.  If you have ever been involved in club ball, tournament weekends are a marathon of watching and sitting and cheering.  Sometimes hours pass without time for meaningful conversation with my girl, so encouraging dialogue poses a challenge.  I often can’t remember what I walked into a room for, much less all the plays she made in the first game by the end of the day.  I’ve started doing this:

I open my text thread to her at the beginning of the game and keep a running commentary of every time she touches the ball or encourages a team mate.  As you can see, the feedback is not always glowing, but it’s mostly positive and lets her know that I see her.  And I’m proud of her no matter what.  She knows how closely I paid attention and she likes it!

 

Now have these gestures made our household a haven of sparkle unicorn bliss?  No.  She still has hormones and I still have a sinful nature.  But

when I have poured into her and she has felt and seen my love in tangible ways, we often have an extra patience pill for each other

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when her room looks like a natural disaster or her tone implies that I am using my last living brain cell.

 

What creative ways do you connect with your teen?  I would love more ideas.  Comment on this post and be a part of the conversation!

 

 

The “Other” Love Language Book

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Confession:  When I was presented with the chance to participate in a launch team for an updated version of The Language of Love and receive an advance reader copy of the book, I was SO EXCITED because…I thought it was The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.  My husband Chuck’s first wife – for crying out loud –  gifted us a copy of the later for a wedding gift and it really helped us understand each other in the early stages of our marriage.  But alas, this is not that book, and I couldn’t be happier about my error.  Had I not read of this opportunity with what was obviously only a millimeter of my attention, I might not have read this incredible book.  And it is incredible.

 

The Language of Love by Gary SMALLEY (See my mistake there?  Yeah, ok.  Maybe it’s just me.) and John Trent teaches the valuable concept of using word pictures in communication to be “instantly understood”.  According to the authors, “Studies show that when we hear a word picture, our brains work faster and expend much more energy than while reading or listening to conventional words.”  So what is a word picture?  From the book:  “An emotional word picture is a communication tool that uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emotions and intellect of a person.  In so doing, it causes the hearer to experience our words, not just hear them.”  A simple example from the book is comparing anger to starting a fire inside your house.  “It should be rarely indulged.  And if it ignites, it should be extinguished.  And soon.  Or it can consume you and the whole house.”  When using an example such as this, one can clearly communicate to another the danger of letting one’s anger get out of control.  The word picture can pack a much bigger emotional  and cerebral punch than the more straightforward, “It hurts my feelings when you get angry.”

 

Feelings are so abstract and can often mean different things to different people.  They can even change meanings according to situations.  The word “love” can mean “enjoy” – as in, I “love” ice cream.  Or it can mean deep emotional commitment as it pertains to familial or romantic relationships.  I know personally understanding my own feelings at times poses enough of a challenge without trying to explain them to someone else.  That’s where word pictures come to the rescue.  With the ability to associate an abstract emotion to a more concrete thing or situation, we can make more sense of it for ourselves – and often others. For example, the poem “Welcome to Holland” is a well-known word picture in the community of special needs parents.  The author Emily Perl Kingsley likened the experience of this type of parenting to planning for a trip to Italy, where all your friends are going, but instead getting off the plane in Holland.  It’s not awful.  In fact, it’s beautiful, but not what you expected.  And none of your friends are there.  And furthermore, to enjoy it you have to let the dream of Italy die.  I love the poem because it explains better than I ever could how the journey with my daughter is both painful and beautiful.

 

The authors of this book also point to the Bible as a source of significant word pictures.  The writers used parables and other such illustrations to help us better understand God’s great affection for us.  Our finite minds could never even begin to comprehend His infinite, limitless, unconditional love without the stories that Jesus and others teach us through scripture.  “From evangelism to discipleship, from encouragement to correction, word pictures help us strengthen our own spiritual lives.  And perhaps as an added benefit, they can help us pass that life on to others.”

 

Whether you seek better interactions with friends, co-workers, children or your spouse, The Language of Love offers practical help.  And as a bonus, I found the word picture practice to be super helpful for my creative writing!  The update of this book comes out on April 17, but you can pre-order it today here! (This is an affiliate link, so if you order this book, or anything else after clicking on it, I get a few cents to help off-set my website hosting costs.  Thanks!)

 

 

 

 

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