Transition.  If you aren’t a part of the special needs community, this word may not mean much to you.  I must confess that it strikes fear in my heart.  Transition is a fancy word for “change”.  You can understand that one, right?  No one likes change.  In special education, “transition” refers to the process of preparing your child for life after high school.  I’ve got several years before this change takes place, but our school district wisely pushes us to start thinking and planning for this well in advance.  So that even if we aren’t emotionally prepared, we are financially prepared.  They do have to push me into thinking about it too.  I would rather think about road kill than imagine what life could be like for Shelby as an adult.  How can I picture her all grown up when developmentally she is 21 months old?  Also, I can’t imagine anyone taking care of Shelby besides me, but yet I also can’t imagine taking care of her for the rest of my life.  So, transition planning, while necessary, makes me sad.  And a transition planning survey came home with Shelby from school just last week to ruin my evening.  On this survey, I was asked to circle any of the following that Shelby still needs help with:  dressing, toileting, hygiene, cooking, laundry, making change, transportation, social relationships, completing job tasks, etc.  Every item on the list – circled.  I was asked to look at 12 pages of applied independent living skills and assess whether Shelby needs full assistance, limited assistance or is independent.  Things like:  pulls pants down at toilet, puts on or takes off socks and shoes, opens or closes fasteners such as zippers, buttons or snaps, blows own nose, brushes/ combs hair, brushes teeth, knows when to take medicine, puts items away in appropriate places, folds towels and washclothes, crosses street safely, and so on, and so on.  From a 12 page list, the only items I could mark for her as idependent skills were opening and closing the microwave and flushing the toilet.  Now, I know these things about Shelby.  I live with her day in and day out.  But there is something about being confronted with her limitations in black and white that sends my heart down into my shoes.  

On a run the other day (it’s cheaper than therapy), I took the picture posted above.  I wasn’t sure at the time why it struck me, but I think now I do.  This old set of shutters was obviously thrown away and ended up washed down the creek.  I imagine that at one time, they were both beautiful and functional.  Useful.  Needed even.  But now, the shutters are trash.  No one wants them.  Probably no one else would even take a picture of them.  But as I look at them, I wonder about the people in the world who view Shelby like this.  Those who see no purpose for her.  No place for her.  Those who wonder why God would even allow her to be born if He knew she would never be an independent, productive member of society.  And then…I see her hug a complete stranger.  An old man.  And I wonder how long it has been since a cute little girl paid attention to him and made him smile.  I hear her teacher gush about how much she loves Shelby and misses her when she’s not there.  I laugh out loud at her silly attempts to play peek-a-bo and other simple games.  I feel her arms encircle me and know pure, innocent, unconditional love.  I know why God made her.  I know her purpose – for as long as God sees fit to let us have her.  Her call is probably more important than my own.  “And now these three remain:  faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

Originally published on Jan 26, 2013

Chuck and I just attended a marriage conference called “The Art of Marriage”.  We were encouraged to put down some of our thoughts on marriage and legacy for future generations.  I teared up as I realized that my life with Chuck really is all I ever wanted.  So many people become disappointed and disoriented with marriage and parenting because it’s not what they imagined, but God has been so gracious to fulfill my dreams.  Maybe that’s because I didn’t have any illusions about what raising a family would be.  It’s certainly not because our marriage (life) is perfect.  We have had our share of problems and heartaches.  Chuck was married before, and has a child from that marriage.  There have been more issues to overcome in that one situation than I have paper to write on.  We have a medically fragile, mentally handicapped daughter who will require constant care for the rest of her life.  Chuck and I have both dealt with difficult work situations and disappointments, and at times there have been money issues.  Add to that the normal stressors of disciplining children, running a household, extended family relationships, disagreements and trying to loose weight!  It’s far from perfect, but it’s my ideal because marriage was created by God to bring glory to Himself – not to make me or Chuck happy.  Our culture has adopted an “anything goes” mentality toward relationships because we have decided that the chief purpose of relationships – including marriage – is to make ourselves happy.  But God’s design for marriage is far bigger than that.  Eph. 5:31-32 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.  This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church.”  Marriage is meant to be a picture of our Savior’s relationship with His chosen people.  When I sacrifice my wants and needs (so hard to do) for Chuck’s sake, I see a tiny glimpse of the sacrifice Christ made for me.  When I submit to Chuck’s authority, I submit to Jesus.  When I love Chuck as unconditionally as a sinful person can, I understand a little better the love Jesus has for us.  Duet. 31:8 says, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  If Jesus doesn’t leave, how can I?  Something close to 85% of unions that produce a special needs child end in divorce.  I don’t want to be that statistic!  My marriage has love and blessings, romance and butterflies, agreement and admiration – but not 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week.  It’s in those off/ hard times that I have to remember that we two became one flesh.  A wedding does not tie two shoe laces together that can be untangled.  A wedding (committment) melts two metals together.  There is no separating that!

I know that all I’ve just written constitutes a run-on paragraph, so I’ll sum up.  My most heart-felt prayer for future generations is that you would love God above all else and strive to bring Him glory.  If God chooses to display His glory through a marriage relationship for you, I pray that you would cherish it as the precious gift of God that it is and that you would cling to your spouse as if two metals melted together.  The blessings and joy that come from a marriage done God’s way are immeasurable.  I love and respect Chuck more today than I did 13 and a half years ago when we married.  Not because he’s good.  Not because I’m good.  But because we both decided long ago to do our best to follow hard after God’s kingdom – and that no matter what this fallen world throws at us – we’ll do it together.