2017 was a doozy of a year for me and my family.  In case you haven’t heard all the gory details, I wrote about it here.  And even though 2018 has only been here a minute, I see much better things on the horizon.  The biggest piece of news is that my husband starts work with a brand new company this week.  He is brimming with excitement about the COO position with Strategic Government Resources and the opportunities for growth and development being afforded him.  In other news, Shelby has surgery scheduled this week to repair the heart defect we discovered, which will then again make her a candidate for an anti-epileptic drug trial that we have high hopes for.  And I have just 3 more months of maintenance infusions in my cancer treatment regimen.  I look forward to kicking the unpleasant side effects to the curb and only seeing my oncologist for well checks.

So why do I still feel unsettled?

In my adult life, I have never really struggled with fear, doubt or anxiety.  Every spiritual gift inventory I have ever taken has me off the charts in the area of faith.  And that is honestly how I have functioned in the day to day.  I truly believe that everything is in God’s hands and that He works all things for good – even if I don’t particularly like those things in the here and now.  But even now, as the Sparks family seems to be turning a corner, I feel insecure.  And it’s a strange and foreign feeling for me.

After loosing two jobs last year, I can’t honestly say I feel peacefully secure in Chuck’s employment and our financial stability.  Shelby’s health has never seen stable, but that hospital stay in the fall left me metaphorically waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have had some hard relationship issues and at times feel very alone.  So friendships seem very fragile in this moment.  And even my writing – where I find great satisfaction and a deep sense of calling – makes me slightly uneasy.  My desire to be increasingly authentic and real sometimes feels painfully vulnerable.

Nothing feels truly safe.

As a believer in Jesus Christ with a profound conviction of God’s love and provision for me, I don’t mind telling you I’m not ok with this new normal.  Proverbs 3:5 tells me, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;”  NIV  The last part of this command?  No problem.  The circumstances of the past year have driven me far beyond my own strength and wisdom.  I have no delusions about my ability to handle any of it.  But trusting God with all my heart?  How do I do that when my heart isn’t quite in agreement with my head?

My head knows all the promises of God.  “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:8.  And Psalm 9:10, “…you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”   “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:7 (All passages from the NIV). But how – practically- do I align my heart and my mind again?

As I prepared to teach my yoga class this morning, I put on this shirt:

Image by Massililiano Sarno

My husband and I just celebrated 19 years of marriage.  And now as I sit in the space of time between  our anniversary and Valentine’s Day, I can’t help but think about how INTENTIONAL we are about maintaining a solid union.

As parents of a special needs child, the odds of us staying together are stacked against us.  I have heard divorce rates for families like ours hover close to 85%.  How accurate that is, I’m not sure.  But I do know it’s higher than the average divorce rate.  Which is already sadly elevated.  The stressers and pressures can be daunting – but so are they for every marriage.  Whether your spouse is a challenge or a delight to live with, successful marriages take work.  So I’m sharing with you the top 4 things my husband and I do to be INTENTIONAL in our relationship:

1.  We are INTENTIONAL about carving out time together.  We still regularly date each other.  We try not to let more than a couple of weeks go by without getting a babysitter or sending the kids to spend the night with grandparents so that we can be alone.  The dates are often simple.  Sometimes just dinner.  Sometimes just a movie.  An occasional concert.  A short day trip with lots of built-in car time.  Once we even just drove around and looked at houses in a different neighborhood.  The point is, we get out of our pajama pants and out of our normal routine to remind us that we enjoy being together.

2.  We are INTENTIONAL about intimacy.  We aren’t newlyweds anymore.  And we are a little longer in the tooth.  We are tired.  We are busy.  And our kids are demanding.  If we waited for spontaneous, romantic moments to have sex, we would qualify for a convent.  But knowing that it’s both enjoyable and important for a healthy marriage, we look for the most conducive opportunities and plan our rendezvous.  And because we have been faithfully consistent in this aspect of our relationship, I believe there will again be a day (after the kids are out of the house) when spontaneity and romance will again be a sweet part of this equation.

3.  We are INTENTIONAL about giving each other what we need the most.  Ephesians 5:33 commands, “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”  NIV  A woman’s #1 need is to feel loved.  And a man’s #1 need is to feel respected.  There is much research to support this.  So my man tells me and shows me he loves me in a hundred different ways.  And I do my best to avoid undermining or discouraging him.  He hears me tell others that he is the best man I know.  And I mean it.  I could tell him all day long that I love him, but he will never believe it if he feels disrespected.  Hear me say that our sinful nature gets in the way and we fail each other from time to time, but the right message is consistent enough that we know where we stand with each other.  For more on this I recommend the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich.

4.  Lastly, we are INTENTIONAL about protecting our unique bond.  It’s my belief that most people don’t jump into an affair like they jump off a cliff.  One minute of high ground and the next in the pit. It’s more like a gradual slope down a hill.  Many affairs start out as innocent work colleagues or friends.  But when you allow yourself repeated alone time with a member of the opposite sex, you are opening the door for an unhealthy relationship to develop, whether or not you are looking for it.  My husband and I have no desire to be alone with anyone else, so we set some guide posts around that.  We don’t have lunches or dinners, take car rides, or have closed door meetings alone with a member of the opposite sex.  And if either of us is unwittingly thrust into such a situation, we notify the other immediately.  It shows our desire to honor the spirit of the promise.  It may sound strict, legalistic or maybe even silly to you, but our relationship is worth any inconveniences that this may cause.  Better safe than very, very sorry.

As we near Valentine’s Day, I would love to hear the ways you are INTENTIONAL in your marriage.  Comment on this post so we can all learn from each other.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”  Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NIV

I am joining Kate Motaung and other members of the Five Minute Friday community  for our weekly writing adventure. To learn about Five Minute Friday, click here. This week’s prompt is, “Intentional”.