Originally published on April 18, 2013

Heavy – that’s how I feel today.  And for once, this body weight obsessed fitness instructor is not talking about how my clothes fit or what the number on the scale shows.  It’s my heart that’s heavy.  I can hardly wrap my mind – much less my heart – around the events in the news this week.  Bombs exploding on unsuspecting athletes and spectators at one of our country’s most renowned competitions.  Poisoned letters sent to the President and other politicians in DC.  A pregnant woman shot and killed before the perpetrator lead the police on a high speed chase.  And now a devastating explosion in the town of West, Texas.  And this one hits close to home.  Literally.  I grew up in Elm Mott.  Unless you grew up with me, you haven’t heard of it – unless you went to Baylor.  Then you know it as the home office of the Noze Brotherhood.  If you blink on your drive down I-35, you will miss Elm Mott, but it is just a few minutes in the car from West.  I had many friends who lived in West.  I had many crushes who lived in West and would cruise the drag there with my best friend hoping for a glimpe of my current infatuation.  We never saw too much action, but it was great time to talk as we slowly drove down through that small, quiet town.  

I am so sad for this tight-knit community, so steeped in tradition.  And I grieve with those of Boston.  A day that was supposed to be a celebration of athleticism and acheivement turned tragic and ugly.  “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  Eph. 6:12  There is so much wickedness around us, and it is so hard for us to understand because even though it is IN the world, it is not OF the world.  Which leads many people to ask questions about God.  So many of us don’t even think of God until something bad happens.  But thankfully, graciously, lovingly, He is still there when we finally do turn to Him.  But where is “there” (meaning where is God) in these horrific events?  Romans 8:28 tells us, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those wo love God to those who are called according to His purpose.”  That can be a difficult verse to hear when you are hurting.  When you don’t understand.  When you wonder why bad things happen to good people.  What good can possibly come from terrorist activity and mass destruction?  I was reminded this week that the word “TOGETHER” is a pretty important one in this popular verse.  The Bible doesn’t promise that good will come out of every single thing that happens to you.  He promises to knit the happenings in your life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – TOGETHER to make something beautiful.  While we may only see the chaos and feel the pain of what has just happened, God can see the big picture.  He knows how it will strengthen you, inspire you or change you.  He knows how the story ends.  And He lets us in on some of it in His word.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds.  And if you are suffering, I can’t tell you how it is that you will continue to put one foot in front of the other.  But here is what I do know “Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”  2 Corinthians 4:16  And I know that when all is said and done, death will be swallowed up in victory (1 Corinthians 15:54).  The dark forces will be defeated – unable to touch us any longer.  And, “for everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.”  So today may be a sad day, but I already see good coming from tragedy.  I see neighbors lending aid.  I see unselfishness and compassion.  I see determination to move forward.  These are the rays of God’s love that are already piercing through this darkness by way of His people.  I’m praying for Boston.  And I’m praying for West – that although we mourn through this season of night, joy will come in the morning

Originally published on April 8, 2013

My friend Heather wrote recently in her blog about the discipline of self-denial.  And I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind.  Some view me as a very disciplined person, and I am – about some things.  But I never understood how I can be so diligent in some areas of my life and so off the rails with others.  I am extremely discplined about exercise.  I enjoy the sense of accomplishment and how strong I feel after a good sweat session – so I rarely miss the opportunity.  I am like clock-work with bible study.  I love reading God’s Word and what others have to say about it.  If I miss my time with Him, I truly MISS it.  I am faithful to prepare – and often overprepare for my classes.  I hate the feeling of not being ready.  So I tackle any kind of homework this way.  It is almost impossible for me to procrastinate.  

But before I start feeling too good about myself, I have to take a look at the areas I struggle to control.  Food.  I feel like I am in a constant battle between wanting to be healthy and lean and wanting to eat whatever I want.  I have trouble staying on a consistently healthy eating plan.  This is a little hard for me to admit in a public forum because I work in the fitness industry.  The other major area I lack discipline?  Shopping.  Spending money.  I don’t like to spend a lot of money, but I love to bargain shop and could nickel and dime our finances to death without some reins.  I have struggled for years to distinguish why I lack discipline in these areas and not in others.  But my friend helped me see the answer clearly.  Self-denial.  Let me explain.  It costs me nothing to be disciplined about exercise and bible study.  I enjoy them.  I thrive on them.  But I take comfort in food and shopping.  To curb my impulses here means to deny myself pleasure.  But I think I have to take it one step further.  I think I have to delve into entitlement mentality.  Because Shelby’s illness is difficult, I think I deserve extra comfort.  Extra stuff.  And I deserve to have it with no negative consequences.  There.  I said it.  It’s greedy and selfish and ungrateful.  But it’s the ugly truth.  If food comforts me, I should be able to eat what I want, when I want.  If finding a great deal on a new shirt takes my mind off of my troubles, what is the harm?  I mean, my life is hard.  Boo hoo for me.  So for a couple of years now, I have been trying to maintain my current level of fitness by still eating whatever I want, but trying to eat smaller portions.  How has that been working out for me?  Let’s just say that I’m not posting a picture.  The truth is, I am getting older and have realized that I am going to have to sacrifice some of my favorite foods in order to achieve a greater goal.  And that means denying myself some comfort.  And just because I can afford a new designer purse, doesn’t mean I need to buy one.  I truly believe God has blessed me to be a blessing to others and He has greater things in store for our finances than just more stuff.  

The discipline of self-denial.  It’s a concept I am going to have to sit with, pray about, mull over.  I’m sure there are even more areas of my life where I need to apply this principle.  What about you?

“Apply your heart to discipline and your ears to words of knowledge.”  Proverbs 23:12