A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,
but only in expressing his opinion. Proverbs 18:2 ESV
When you see someone’s teeth chattering, do you draw the conclusion that he is cold? That’s what the nurses thought as they wheeled me into surgery for the first time at twelve years of age. They piled warm blankets on me – one after another – until my mama astutely said, “she’s scared.” Leave it to a mother to know.
Many moons ago, heavy with our first child; (I do mean heavy. I gained enough weight to give birth to a fifth grader.) I shivered uncontrollably whenever my husband argued over the phone with our first wife about their son. No, I never married her. I say “our” first wife because we have always been in this thing together. Those heated discussions caused me so much anxiety that I shook like I had a fever.
The first several days after my daughter broke her leg this spring, when she changed positions her molars knocked together at an alarming rate. The cause – pain. Fear, anxiety, pain. Add cold temperatures and fevers, and we have at least five completely different causes for the same action. Yet we tend to make assumptions about chattering teeth – among other things.
My teenage daughter and I are pretty different. I think I mentioned this before. Like here and here and here and…you get the idea. We butt heads occasionally (ok, that’s a mild understatement) as I try to “get” her. For example, I possess an inability to procrastinate. If I know I need to get something done, I must tackle it immediately and put it to rest. Anything else causes me anxiety. My girl is a major procrastinator – even with regards to things she supposedly enjoys. She scrolls on her phone and listens to music or plays her ukulele until she is sitting on top of a deadline. Practicing a sport, finishing homework, perfecting her choir music – it all gets pushed down the road until she can’t push it any longer. This drives me bonkers!
Through the years I have complained and moaned to my husband about our lazy, unmotivated child. Mind you, this kid makes straight A’s and aces advanced classes, excels in choir and takes leadership roles in both church and extracurriculars. But because she procrastinates, I think she’s lazy! Until the coronavirus lockdown.
Self-isolation allowed me to spend a lot more time with my girls. Some good times. Some challenging times. And its taught me something about the youngest. The earlier she tackles a project, the more time she has to think about it, second guess it and doubt herself. Anxiety, not sloth drives her to wait. The more I push her to work on something, the higher her anxiety climbs. As I watched her begrudgingly handle online schooling, I see that she gets to things in her own timing. And typically does a good job.
Being johnny-on-the-spot keeps my anxiety in check. Moving too quickly on something causes hers. So I am learning to keep my timelines to myself – even if I have to bite my nails to do it. And it is making a big the difference in our relationship and my frustration. All because I understand her a little better.
You know what they say about making assumptions! Do you have any you need to challenge today?
And now for this week’s featured post!
With a bored 15 year old daughter at home this summer, I took personal interest in 10 Books Every Christian Teen Girl Should Read in Summer 2020 by Joyce Cortes Mackenrath of unshakeablejoy.com. Saying a prayer that one of these will help tear my girl away from her phone!
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I fall somewhere in the middle of you two. I find tackling projects early and head on helps alleviate some of my anxiety but I definitely remember several teachers pressing me to go back through tests when I was always the first one finished and each and every time I began second guessing and changing answers only to get them wrong later. So I learned to wait to start to my tests and just go with my gut answers… which then leaked over into other areas of my life. It can be a bit tricky to figure out when acting early or when procrastinating will be more helpful but I think I mostly have it down by now. Thanks for sharing with us at Encouraging Hearts and home.
Thanks for weighing in, Joanne. I really appreciate it.
You know I’ve never really butted heads with my children to the point where it marked the tone of our relationship. However I’ve made assumptions and leave it to children to prove them wrong. If you’re sloppy it doesn’t mean you’re stupid – yes neatness matters but at what cost? That’s just one example.
Raising children has given me a perspective on what it must feel like to be God, and then I’m humbled.
Your last sentence is so very true. Thanks for weighing in.
Lauren, I do appreciate your gentle reminder that we all handle stress and anxiety in different ways. Maybe one of the gifts of this pandemic is learning to respect other’s opinions and responses more instead of forcing our own 2 cents on them.
That would be a gift indeed …
What a wonderful world it would be, Linda.
Such a great post and message, Lauren! It is very much in line with this phrase that I am always reminding myself of…”Different doesn’t mean wrong.” I think we get so set in our ways and what works for us that we forget that our ways may not work for others. And their ways are not necessarily wrong or bad, just different. I am so glad that you are making your way to a better understanding of your daughter and hopefully she is learning more about you as well.Thanks for sharing and linking up!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Different doesn’t mean wrong. I think there’s a slogan in that!
Thanks for sharing these insights on making assumptions.
Thank you for reading and weighing in!
Insightful and you are right different people deal with things differently X
Thank you, Sam. So glad you visited.
I tend to be anxious until I get a task accomplished too, but my oldest daughter is a major procrastinator, so I hear what you’re saying, Lauren! She was here this past weekend and I saw that things hadn’t changed at all. lol. However, she does eventually get things accomplished, so I have to let her do things in her own time and I’ll continue doing things in my own time, even though our clocks are VERY different. 🙂
Sometimes its easier said than done isn’t it?
All this together time is exposing lots of things, isn’t it? Some good and some bad. I understand divorce and domestic violence stats have taken a rise. But how wonderful when we use that time to learn and grow, especially in our relationships with one another.
I agree. This time has been so hard but also so eye opening. Thank you, Donna.
The self isolation period, has reunited many families and it has unveiled some truths about how we relate with our family!
i love your approach, Lauren.
God bless you!
Thank you so much. It has been very challenging, but eye opening as well.
Oh, yes, I have made too many assumptions in my life also! I am just so thankful that God sees the full picture, and He will help me to lay down my viewpoints as I ask Him. Thank you for this good word today!
That is a good word in response. Thank you, Bettie.