Lauren Sparks

The Sparks Notes

Have Mercy on Me, a Dooflunky

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“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 1:6 NASB

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

 

I promised I wouldn’t write about my daughter’s graduation any more.  I’ve babbled on about it ad nauseam here, here, and here if you need a Shelby fix.  I must bring it up again, though.  Please forgive me.  Not just for writing about it AGAIN, but for what I am about to confess.

 

My daughter received some lovely graduation gifts.  Some Mickey Mouse items (her obsession), some movie tickets (she LOVES to go to the show – if she gets popcorn or candy), some gift cards (her wardrobe is getting a refresh), and some cash – which we are putting aside to help get her to Disneyland soon (I mentioned the Mickey Mouse obsession, right?).  We were blown away by the generosity of friends and family who wanted to celebrate her.  But I made a boo-boo.  I may have mentioned – or again babbled on ad nauseam – in the aforementioned posts about my stress levels at the end of May.  Chandler’s med school graduation, Allie’s athletic and choir events, Shelby’s graduation and party and throwing a party for my in-law’s anniversary had me frazzled to say the least.  All of Shelby’s wonderful gifts got pushed to a corner together with the cards until I had time to breath.  Then I went through each bag and card to carefully record the contents and the name of the sweet giver.  As soon as I could, I set about the task of writing “thank yous”.  Until I ran out of cards.  So I ordered some on Amazon to help complete my list.

 

The cards came 2 days later, ’cause PRIME.  Not bragging, just saying.  And I trotted to retrieve my carefully curated list.  But where is it?  Not where I thought I left it.  Not in the trash or recycling.  Yes, I looked.  Not in 25 other common-sensical places it could have migrated to!  I looked the proverbial high and low to no avail.  Now here is the catch.  I can remember most of the gifts and who gave them.  What I can’t remember is who I sent a card to already and who I still lack.   I could blame stress, or the fact that I am getting older as evidenced by the new pair of dollar store readers I now own.  But the bottom line is that I can’t remember – where I put the list or what still remained to be checked off.

 

If you gifted my daughter and haven’t received a response, please forgive me.  And please know how much I, and she, appreciate the Mickey Mouse throw, hooded bath towel, pillow, toy, clothes, money and tickets.  Your kindness did not go unnoticed and will not soon be forgotten.

 

The Bible verse at the top of this post brings me a lot of hope.  At my age, my memory may not improve, but it is reassuring that God’s not through with me.  He is molding me and shaping me and changing me to conform to His image.  And He will as long as I have breath.  That’s His promise.

Hey, Jealousy

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It’s pretty painful when you get slapped upside the head with your own sin nature.  It happened to me this week.  I wrote previously, in a somewhat joking manner, about being a bad sports mom here.  But today I saw it for what it is – not a joking matter.  It was ugly and green and monstrous.  My jealousy.  On behalf of my daughter.  For months it’s been spewing forth in the form excuses and snide remarks.  But I didn’t see it for what it was until now.  Sin.  In all it’s unattractive darkness.

 

I cried buckets of tears as the conviction set in.  The way it was hardening my heart.  The way it was trickling down to my daughter and infecting my husband.  The way it was hurting others.  As I piously complained about “those catty moms” I was blinded to the fact that I was morphing into one.  Like a transformer with an evil side.  And the grief over this sin has left me sick to my stomach and hugging the toilet.  That may be more information than you wanted to have, but as a writer, I process the world around me with words.  So you few faithful readers – if you hang in there – have to process it with me.  My hope is that maybe you will learn a little something with me too.

 

I’ve done what I can in the immediate to rectify the situation.  I have apologized to those I’ve hurt and I have confessed the jealousy to God and asked His forgiveness, but now I have a lot of work to do on me.  I’m so thankful God offers plenty of help and grace for the process.  In analyzing how I got here, I have to be honest enough to admit that I have personally never felt good enough.  Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, not athletic enough, not fun enough.  Enough to get by, but perpetually second string.  So when I started to hear the words, “I’m not good enough” from my daughter’s mouth, something snapped in me.  I wanted so much more than that for her.  And I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I’ve let her success – or lack there or – become an idol to me.

 

I know that God has forgiven me, and I hope those I’ve hurt can as well, but I’m afraid that carefully constructed idol won’t tumble over night.  So walking and talking this out with God has led me to two immediate courses of action to help drive this envy out of my heart.

  1.  I realize that by coveting the achievements of my daughter’s friends, I am subconsciously saying that what my girl can accomplish is not enough.  That she is not enough.  That is the opposite of how I feel about her.  Starting right now, I must celebrate where she is and what she does with no comparison.
  2. I have to fight back this scarcity mentality that tells me another’s success is my child’s failure.  The truth is there is enough success to go around.  I need to relish in the success of her friends – like she does.  I need to follow her lead.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1:9

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