Lauren Sparks

The Sparks Notes

Are You Parenting the Right Way?

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Posted by Lauren Sparks on October 30, 2013 at 8:50 AM Delete 
I just finished reading Brene Brown’s chapter on Wholehearted Parenting in the book Daring Greatly.  So…much…to…think…about.  What parent has not asked themselves the question from my title?  Or some variation of it?  I mean, you get three parents in a room together and you have 4 opinions on everything from discipline to encouragement, what you should let your child eat and how your angel should be educated.  And so called “parenting experts”?  I don’t think they exist (and not in the same way the ROUSs didn’t exist in the fire swamp).  Since every child is soooo different, how could there possibly be an expert in how to parent them all?  The scary truth is that there is no such thing as perfect parenting and there are no guarantees.  Deep down, we all know this truth and it causes us to constantly second guess ourselves.  Do I have the right restrictions on electronics?  Should we go all organic?  Are the family rules too lax?  Does she have enough chores?  Am I being too strict?  And these are some of the easier questions we ask ourselves.  As a parent of a child with Dravet Syndrome, I add these questions to the mix:  Do the benefits of this anti-seizure drug outweight the awful side effects?  Am I appropriately walking the line between acceptance and hope?  (Challenging her to learn and grow while accepting her as she is)  When should rescue meds me administered?  What activities would be beneficial to her?  And so on and so on and so on.

Since there are so many ways to parent and – in my non-expert opinion – no one right way, I think we should change the main question we are asking ourselves.  Instead of trying to figure out, “Am I parenting the right way?”, I think we should shift our focus to “Am I the adult I want my child to grow up to be?”  Whew.  I just stepped on my own toes.  This thought train is both freeing to me, and more challenging because it requires consistency on my part.  Here is how Mrs. Brown describes it:  “The space between our practiced values (what we are actually doing, thinking, and feeling) and our aspirational values (what we want to do, think and feel) is the value gap, or what I call ‘the disengagement divide’.”  Here is an example.  Do you go out to a fast food restaurant and order chicken strips and fries while pulling out your child’s steamed veggies and organic juice from your bag?  Do you long for your child to have an attitude of gratitude, understand the value of money and not constantly expect new things – and yet you don’t curb your spending and give into impulse buying whenever you feel like it? (Yes, that is an example from my life.)  Do you encourage your child to participate in sports and be active, yet they never see you exercise?  Do as I say, not as I do parenting does not work.

Part of good parenting is letting go of the dreams you have for your child and letting them create their own.  I have decided that it is most important to me for my kids to be like Christ.  I am letting go of the desire for my kids to be straight A students, star athletes, popular, or artistically talented.  Although there is nothing wrong with any of those things, they take a back seat to being Christlike.  So I have to work on my value gap.  For my kids to be Christlike, they must see Christ in me.  And can we all agree to support each other as parents and not shame each other about what movies we let our kids see or whether we use cloth or disposable diapers?

P.S.  If you didn’t get the ROUS reference above, run to find the movie “Princess Bride” and watch it with your family.  

Thoughts on Brene Brown

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Posted by Lauren Sparks on October 25, 2013 at 6:35 PM With a doctorate in Social Work and extensive research on vulnerability and shame, Brene Brown is a fascinating woman – or one scary broad – depending on where you are in your life.  If you haven’t heard of her, you either aren’t a big fan of TED talks (she has given two very popular ones) or you haven’t found the OWN Network on your cable provider (Oprah has featured her).  She also has written a best selling book called “Daring Greatly:  How the Courage to be Vulnerable transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”.  I am reading it right now and it is fascinating.  I would recommend it and I highly recommend the few minutes it would take to watch her TED talks.  Those talks have led to much acclaim for Ms. Brown.  She has since been asked to speak for audiences ranging from parenting groups, school children and Fortune 500 companies.  It may not sound like fun to listen to a “researcher”, but she is also a story teller.  The coolest thing about her findings, in my opinion, is that she combines years of research with her own personal experiences.  The reason she is so compelling, is because the things she has discovered about how to live your best life have been a major challenge for her.  She even experienced a full scale emotional breakdown (self-proclaimed) as her research pointed to the willingness to be vulnerable with others as the most important element in being a successful leader, parent, friend, and spouse.  The thought that she was going to have to let all her ugly hang out terrified her to the core.  So in her writing and speaking, she not only tells us what we need to do, according to her research, she also explains how she processed and struggled with it.  

One of the biggest things Brene says she learned from her “spiritual awakening” (aka breakdown) was that vulnerability is not the same as weakness.  Agreed.  It takes great courage to completely open yourself up and be who you truly are with those around you.  There is no other way to develop real intimacy and connectedness, for which we are all hard-wired.  We have to be strong enough in our own sense of worthiness to face possible rejection if we put it all out there.  Ms. Brown’s work has given me so much to think about, but I have to disagree with her on something.  She alludes to weakness being a negative trait.  I think most people would agree with her, but I don’t believe the Bible does.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10  Paul says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  Without weakness, we could not completely understand our need for God.  And we do need God.  Not just for an afterlife, but for a full life here on earth.  Who better than the creator of the universe to help us manuever our days on the 3rd rock from the sun.  And when we acknowledge that we cannot do it on our own and lean on God’s power to help us, we bring glory to Him.  We allow others to see Him working in us.  I am stubborn.  I admit that I often try on my own and fail before I release things over to God – especially in parenting.  I am prideful.  I would much rather brag about myself than boast about my weaknesses.  But the truth is that bragging on myself is really bragging on God, because I have no strength except Him in me.  So I may as well give credit where credit is due.  And He deserves all honor and praise.

“Daring Greatly” is challenging me to be even more authentic and vulnerable.  We are all sinners in a fallen world and we all make mistakes.  I want my relationships to be intimate and I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles.  And I am also challenging myself to boast in my weaknesses.  If you see anything good in me, let me tell you right now that it is from the Lord.  Any victory in my life is His.  And the negative things you see in me?  Give me some grace, because He’s not through with me yet.  

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