Originally published on March 24, 2013
Highs and Lows. That pretty much sums up my last few days. Thursday, my husband bought us a new car. Yeah! High. I love my new car. It has so many fun bells and whistles. And best of all – no more mini-van. We are so very blessed that Chuck works so hard and can provide us with nice things. The next morning, our house got broken in to. Kind of a scary low. But no one was home and nothing of real value was taken, so it could have been so much worse. I was still feeling pretty blessed until I got stopped and issued a speeding ticket on the way to check it out. The officer (who must have been behind of quota) didn’t care that I had just received a call about the break-in and that an officer was at my house that minute. Now I’m feeling a little deflated. But that night my sister and Chandler, Emily and Chayton came to spend the night with us. High! I LOVE family time. Especially if it involves babies! And the next morning was the Stroll for Epilepsy. This event is always a highlight. Everyone should have an occasion – for whatever reason – that family and friends gather around you and make you feel loved and supported. And if they are all wearing matching shirts – the better! But this morning, I got a text that my cousin’s son was killed in a car accident. I was immediately sad, but went on with getting ready for church. Chan, Em and the baby came with us. Joy! Chuck and I (Lolly and Pop) loved showing off the cutest grandson ever to our family and friends. Then we began to sing “It is Well”, and I began to bawl. I think the shock finally wore off of the text message I had received earlier, and all I could think of was the pain my sweet cousin and his beautiful wife were experiencing. But this song has brought me to tears before:
“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.” Those words are hard to sing in the face of such tragedy, but I mean every word – every time I sing it. No matter what we have been through, no matter how sick Shelby has been, no matter how much money we have had, I have a peace that supercedes all that. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it means my faith in God is bigger than the circumstance and I don’t loose hope. The next verse explains why:
“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.” At the end of every situation is this truth. Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins and to ensure that I will live in relationship with Him forever. And he’ll never leave me. The last verse of the song asks the Lord to come back quickly. And I definitely felt those lyrics today. In that moment I yearned for the day when pain will be gone. When we won’t have to suffer. And my ultimate hope is in that day. But today, I can sing, “It is Well with my Soul” even if my heart is breaking.
Highs and Lows. That pretty much sums up my last few days. Thursday, my husband bought us a new car. Yeah! High. I love my new car. It has so many fun bells and whistles. And best of all – no more mini-van. We are so very blessed that Chuck works so hard and can provide us with nice things. The next morning, our house got broken in to. Kind of a scary low. But no one was home and nothing of real value was taken, so it could have been so much worse. I was still feeling pretty blessed until I got stopped and issued a speeding ticket on the way to check it out. The officer (who must have been behind of quota) didn’t care that I had just received a call about the break-in and that an officer was at my house that minute. Now I’m feeling a little deflated. But that night my sister and Chandler, Emily and Chayton came to spend the night with us. High! I LOVE family time. Especially if it involves babies! And the next morning was the Stroll for Epilepsy. This event is always a highlight. Everyone should have an occasion – for whatever reason – that family and friends gather around you and make you feel loved and supported. And if they are all wearing matching shirts – the better! But this morning, I got a text that my cousin’s son was killed in a car accident. I was immediately sad, but went on with getting ready for church. Chan, Em and the baby came with us. Joy! Chuck and I (Lolly and Pop) loved showing off the cutest grandson ever to our family and friends. Then we began to sing “It is Well”, and I began to bawl. I think the shock finally wore off of the text message I had received earlier, and all I could think of was the pain my sweet cousin and his beautiful wife were experiencing. But this song has brought me to tears before:
“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.” Those words are hard to sing in the face of such tragedy, but I mean every word – every time I sing it. No matter what we have been through, no matter how sick Shelby has been, no matter how much money we have had, I have a peace that supercedes all that. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. But it means my faith in God is bigger than the circumstance and I don’t loose hope. The next verse explains why:
“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.” At the end of every situation is this truth. Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins and to ensure that I will live in relationship with Him forever. And he’ll never leave me. The last verse of the song asks the Lord to come back quickly. And I definitely felt those lyrics today. In that moment I yearned for the day when pain will be gone. When we won’t have to suffer. And my ultimate hope is in that day. But today, I can sing, “It is Well with my Soul” even if my heart is breaking.
Allie Rose turned 8 this past weekend. For the first time in ages, I started thinking about how afraid I was to have another baby before she was born. We waited over 5 and a half years. During that time, we watched Shelby be ventilated twice after having stopped breathing. We saw countless doctors, therapists and other specialists. She underwent surgery. We put her on a very strict, labor intensive diet. We worried through black eyes and knocked out teeth due to falls during seizures. We cried, we prayed, and we slept in more hospital beds than I care to remember. We watched her fall behind developmentally and academically. My heart had been broken into a million pieces and I wasn’t sure I had enough heart left to give to another child. I always wanted 3 children. I married a man with a son and I’ve been with Chuck since Chandler was six. So I count Chan as my first child. Then I gave birth to this precious, special, medically fragile child. Two children started to feel like more than enough. I was terrified. Scared of having another child as demanding as Shelby. Afraid I couldn’t handle it. But I couldn’t ignore the ache I felt to have another child. God placed that desire in my heart – and named her Allison Rose. The truth is, I couldn’t have handled another child like Shelby. In fact, I can’t handle Shelby! But God can. He has given me everything I have needed and sustained me every step of our journey into Dravet Syndrome. And He would do it all again if He chose to give me another sick child. The fact of the matter is that God can take care of anything that comes into my life – if I let Him. This is the truth I had to come to. This is the belief that allows me to put one foot in front of the other every day. When I get out of His way, He is able. And because He is able, I don’t have to live in fear of what will happen to Shelby. God is in control. Life is scary at times, but whatever happens, He will take care of me. I am so grateful for this peace. Without it, I would have missed out on so many blessings – especially Allie Rose.