This weekend, a shopping trip with my 13 year old daughter caused me to doubt my parenting, my salvation and my very humanity. And I WISH I were exaggerating. We started out looking for an Easter dress and ended up in the swim suit section – which is dangerous territory. We have a “no bikini” rule in our house, which she was completely on board with until all of her friends started wearing them. So it’s about fitting in. And I get it. During the paleozoic era, I wanted desperately to fit in. In some circles now, I still long for that. But during my formative years, my parents made some decisions that left me on the outside looking in. They were seen as overly strict and hyper religious by my friends and their families. And at times I really wished they would lighten up. But oh, how I understand and appreciate now the thoughtfulness of their rules. Safety. Protection for body, mind and soul. BIG PICTURE.
And yet, I didn’t feel justified Saturday after hours of arguing and making my point. I felt broken. I cried over dinner. Yes, about a bathing suit for my 13 year old. Because, for me, it’s so much bigger than that. It’s about examining how I want to raise her. And looking at my heart motives. It reminds me of the old joke about the wife who always cut the ends off of her ham before baking it in the oven. One day her husband asked her why she did that, and she responded that she really didn’t know. Her mom always made it that way. So she called her mom to ask the “why”, and her mom answered that she didn’t have a pan big enough for the ham to fit in. Even though my mom is one of the godliest women I know, I don’t want to follow her example (even though 9 times out of 10 it may be right). I want to follow Jesus.
My “bikini belief”, if you will, is that showing that much skin in our over sexualized society is not appropriate. I understand from reading scientific and social experiments how a man’s (or boy’s) brain works. And seeing certain glimpses of skin on a girl cause lustful thoughts and feelings. Please don’t misunderstand me here. Men are responsible for controlling their own thoughts and actions. They must be taught to avert their eyes from things that cause impure thoughts. But adolescence is such a confusing time, why should any of us unnecessarily add fuel to the fire. Now, at 13, my daughter has no curves. She is a walking stick and there is nothing “sexy” about her in a bikini. But those curves are coming – maybe before the summer is over. So currently, the battle is about setting a precedent for what is allowed in the future.
Which leads me to my next jumble of thoughts and emotions. Am I making so much of this that it will become a legalistic rule that she will rebel against? I consulted my Facebook friends for opinions on this and heard some wise points of view. Some told stories of leaving the house dressed “appropriately” for their parents and then changing or modifying what they had on once they got away. One friend questioned whether or not Allie and I understood each other’s “reasons” in this argument. I completely understand her wanting to fit in, but we know from John 15:19 that God called us to be different – as hard as that might be. I have explained my position, but she doesn’t get it. In her adolescence, she struggles to see past the here and now. One wise friend suggested that I choose my battles. I have to remember that the end goal for Allie is that she choose modesty for herself, not that I force it upon her. So does she need a little length in the leash here?
If that wasn’t enough to make my head hurt, there’s one more confusing piece to this puzzle. I wish it didn’t fit in this scenario, but it does. As much as Allie cares about what her friends think of her, I care too. Too much. I would not be completely forthcoming if I didn’t tell you that a fear of being judged lingers in my mind. In the end, we compromised on a suit that I still don’t really like. It’s not a bikini, but it is a two-piece. As I looked at her in it, I wondered what my Christian mom friends would think of me allowing it. That is an ugly truth, but a truth none the less. I’m praying about this and working on it with God (and through this therapeutic word vomit). The truth is, it is a heart issue between my daughter, our Creator, and me. If I tell her she should be strong enough to stand up against the crowd, then I certainly should be. What other people think should not be factored into the equation. (Really? Math analogies? I hate math.)
Oh, what a tangled web we weave… Following Jesus is not always black and white. There is no scripture verse on swim suits. (If I have missed one, someone please illuminate me.) I don’t want to settle for religion and rules and regulations. Those things don’t bring life. Following Jesus is a living, breathing relationship full of moment by moment lessons and decisions. And oh, I need prayers for the journey. Not just about bikinis, but the many parenting mountains that are to come. Will you pray for me? I would love to pray for you. Comment below on your mountain so we can lift each other up.
Oh Lauren, how I appreciate your honesty. Our parents help shape us, our convictions and beliefs. I am very grateful for the times I did not fit in because of the things that my parents set forth as rules. We all have our own convictions and mine and yours will not line up because we are each so different. Our hearts are bent in different ways and that is okay. I long to fit in all of the time and I hate to admit that, but it is what it is. I need to remember that I only need to “fit in” with Jesus, but the flesh is definitely weak. Do what you feel is right and I will pray for peace and wisdom as you walk through this journey of parenting a teenager. Please pray for me in this journey as well.
I am praying for you. Thank you for being my friend.
Lauren, being a momma of teens is so much harder than being a momma of little. I so appreciate your honesty here, and have wrestled with these questions myself. Okay, who am I kidding? As a momma of a teen boy, I am think in the middle of these issues. Only he is not wanting to wear a bikini. I love that you mentioned that you were worried with what others would think. Yes, we often don’t admit this, but oh my, I have worried about this. Even counselled my son as I am dropping him off . . . so him and I look good. Ugg. I know one thing that has helped me and my kids is explaining that there are God’s rules and then house rules. For example I grew up with strict clothing rules too. No bikinis ever! Lots of my friends wore bikinis and I wasn’t allowed to. But when I got older and had children of my own, I realized that that rule my parents made was a house rule. My parents made that rule, not God. It was their interpretation of modesty. So I always try and make it clear to the children that these are God’s rules, and then these are house rules (the rules of our family). Every family is free to set their own rules, but these are ours. They make us no better than others and there will be a lot of variety within Christian families and their house rules. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it has been helpful in our family. And then the kids don’t judge others as being less Christian because they are not following our house rules, because every family is free to make up their own house rules. And then I try to remember this when I feel others will judge me because of what I allow my children to do.
Oh Theresa, you have given me a whole other layer to consider. God rules and house rules. So wise! Thank you so much for reading and especially for commenting!
And I’m praying for you today Theresa.
Great article. We are praying for you in your parenting struggles. We found that being a coach worked out with fewer arguments and seems to have paid off well as our youngster became an adult. At least in matters that weren’t life or death issues, coaching worked. In high risk, (like stay out of the car of a drunk driver) it was all about putting our foot down. By coaching, we often found ourselves saying, it’s your choice but please consider these things…It’s up to you, but while I will still love you, I will be disappointed if you choose this over that because of the points that I asked you to consider. Thankfully, most of the time but not always, our teen made better choices more to our liking. While a teen likes to confront “no” they really do want to not disappoint. Of course, if she still decides to do the bikini, you as the parent have to be ready to grin and “bare” it (pun intended) but you will know that she heard your viewpoint and she WILL remember it. Then watch to see if over the next few weeks, she will lose interest in the bikini even if she goes ahead and buys it now. But the shift to more modest becomes her decision, not yours. Most of the time, children do come back to center that we defined for them. Raising children is more of a marathon than a sprint. As you well know, letting a growing up child explore their ground between the white lines while keeping them out of the bar ditch is a very fine line and the comfort level of that has to be yours set by your relationship with God, not your friends.
I appreciate these wise words from someone who has been there and done all the things. Thanks Larry.
Lauren, This was wrestled with in a way in which I felt like I was sitting across from you at the kitchen table and we were having a conversation where you pour your heart out. Thank you for sharing the many sides of the conversation and struggle that you are having. It is so hard to struggle against what is right in this situation and also to not be concerned with the thoughts of others. So many choices I make are concerned about others, and I don’t begin to consider wondering what God thinks about them. I like you reminder that it is indeed between God, your daughter and you. I am glad that you are able to have dialogue whether or not you understand each other, it is important to keep talking. Thank you for sharing about this journey. It has caused me to ponder some struggles I have had myself with doing things because they have ‘always’ been done that way.
Thank you, Jenel. I am so glad to make a new reader friend. Even if we can’t sit across from each other. I appreciate your encouragement and for stopping by. Saying a prayer for you right now.
there is so much in Romans 14 which helps me with things like this: Romans 14:12-15 and then… “It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor anything whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.” (Romans 14:21)
Yes. A great reference. Thank you, Diane.
Hey Lauren! Nope, you’re right: There is no scripture verse on swim suits.
I’m the mom of a 15-year-old sweet, smart, strong girl. She wanted a bikini from 13-14, but she didn’t get one. We do tankinis. She is sporty enough to appreciate that she won’t lose her top if she jumps in the pool. I wear tankinis, too, so initially she didn’t love the idea of looking like her (almost 50-year old) mom. We got sporty-looking ones that she loves. We look at the Title9 catalogue (but bought at Landsend). T9 has strong girls that wear suits that allow them to surf and swim triathlons and it helped her appreciate swimsuit practicality. She also got more self-conscious as she matured physically, so that helped, too. We have friends with bikinis. We have friends who wear modesty swim dresses. We love them all the same! I think it helped to discuss with her what some boys think about when they see a girl in a bikini (but the truth is that some of those boys would think that if you were in a sloppy sweat suit). But what really helped when she wanted a bikini was that the youth events at church said “No bikinis.” So, maybe see if you can get that kind of help at church from the leadership? Now she doesn’t care about having one, she is happy to cover a little more up!
I’m stopping by from Kristin’s Porch Stories 🙂
Hi Britta,
Same with us. No 2 pieces at church camp. That doesn’t stop her from wanting one for other occasions. So glad you and your girl have found something you both like. My girl and I will have to keep looking. And I am fully aware that this issue may seem minuscule compared to the ones that will come. Wisdom is needed on all fronts. I am praying for you as I type this. Thank you so much for stopping by.
I guess I’m different. I know what the bible says and I believe in modesty. Having said that – I discovered tankinis and those to me are a win win – because in a one piece its a chore to use the bathroom.
I also learned that if I didn’t focus so much on sexuality – the child could approach this whole bathing suit quandary on a practical level.
And sometimes based on your body proportions a bikini is a best.
One day I will wear a bikini. I have 3 daughters and they’ve worn bikinis, tankinis and one piece and their Christian walk is not suspect.
No one’s Christian walk is suspect because of the bathing suit they choose. It is all just different interpretations of modesty. I should think no differently of someone based on the suit they wear – but I’m human. It’s a heart issue I am working on. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. We mamas need wisdom for so much on this parenting journey. Praying for you and your girls now as I type. In Him.
Thank you for your honesty! You sound like a Mama who loves well and just wants to do the best for her girl and for the Lord! My daughter is 2 1/2 and I cringe thinking about parenting her as a tween/teen…oh all the hards that must come with that! Keep on keeping on hero mama!!
You made me smile today, Myriah! Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Thank you for the encouragement and I am saying a prayer for you today.
What a great article. I should have read it before answering your post on my blog.
I wouldn’t know what to do either.
I guess it is a matter of the heart, since even a plain one piece can be sinful if the mind is set on drawing eyes to the body – let alone the skanky ones on Baywatch…
I pray your daughter will find beauty according to 1 Peter 3, and find it infinitely more valuable than any beauty and glory clothes can provide her.
Thank you for your encouragement and prayers for us!