It’s pretty painful when you get slapped upside the head with your own sin nature. It happened to me this week. I wrote previously, in a somewhat joking manner, about being a bad sports mom here. But today I saw it for what it is – not a joking matter. It was ugly and green and monstrous. My jealousy. On behalf of my daughter. For months it’s been spewing forth in the form excuses and snide remarks. But I didn’t see it for what it was until now. Sin. In all it’s unattractive darkness.
I cried buckets of tears as the conviction set in. The way it was hardening my heart. The way it was trickling down to my daughter and infecting my husband. The way it was hurting others. As I piously complained about “those catty moms” I was blinded to the fact that I was morphing into one. Like a transformer with an evil side. And the grief over this sin has left me sick to my stomach and hugging the toilet. That may be more information than you wanted to have, but as a writer, I process the world around me with words. So you few faithful readers – if you hang in there – have to process it with me. My hope is that maybe you will learn a little something with me too.
I’ve done what I can in the immediate to rectify the situation. I have apologized to those I’ve hurt and I have confessed the jealousy to God and asked His forgiveness, but now I have a lot of work to do on me. I’m so thankful God offers plenty of help and grace for the process. In analyzing how I got here, I have to be honest enough to admit that I have personally never felt good enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough, not athletic enough, not fun enough. Enough to get by, but perpetually second string. So when I started to hear the words, “I’m not good enough” from my daughter’s mouth, something snapped in me. I wanted so much more than that for her. And I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I’ve let her success – or lack there or – become an idol to me.
I know that God has forgiven me, and I hope those I’ve hurt can as well, but I’m afraid that carefully constructed idol won’t tumble over night. So walking and talking this out with God has led me to two immediate courses of action to help drive this envy out of my heart.
- I realize that by coveting the achievements of my daughter’s friends, I am subconsciously saying that what my girl can accomplish is not enough. That she is not enough. That is the opposite of how I feel about her. Starting right now, I must celebrate where she is and what she does with no comparison.
- I have to fight back this scarcity mentality that tells me another’s success is my child’s failure. The truth is there is enough success to go around. I need to relish in the success of her friends – like she does. I need to follow her lead.
Lauren, what a wonderful open, honest, and transparent post. So good to let our feelings come to the surface and give them to the Lord. Thank you for stopping by my post today and leaving a comment. Many blessings to you ❤️
Thank you, Beth.
Oh Lauren….I can so relate to this post! When my kids are having success it’s easy but when the struggles come it’s hard to be happy for others and their success. A few years back my son was the hero of his team closing out a baseball game to send them to the CWS. The next year….he blew a save at regionals and then almost lost it all for them at super regionals before someone else had to step in and save the day. I remember reminding myself how God uses adversity to grow a person and teach them lessons and how his failure let someone else’s light shine. It was still a tough time but thinking about these things really helped me put a more positive spin on a crappy situation.
What a good way to look at it. There are lessons in everything. Thanks, Shelly.
Your writing is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing this with all of us -XO
Shauna
http://www.lipglossandlace.net
Thank you, Shauna.
What an honest post. It must have taken a log of courage to write it and to rectify the situation with God and those affected. I think most of us are waaay too hard on ourselves. One of the most difficult things to do is to forgive ourselves. If God has forgiven you, you can also forgive yourself!
I have asked for peace and He has graciously given. Thank u Laurie.
I enjoyed talking with you yesterday about this very subject. Comparisons and jealousy hit us all so hard and can definitely steal our joy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! God’s working on me too.
Thanks Joy.
Thank you for sharing such a raw and personal post. Your story is sure to be a learning event for many parents out there. Me included! I know well that heart stopping moment of being convicted about your own hypocrisy and wrong doing. In fact I just posted about it yesterday at http://mindingthekings.com/holy-spirit-conviction-heart-jonah/. My the Lord continue to work in us, and may we continue to be receptive to what He’s teaching us!
Amen. Thank u Jennifer.
Thank you for sharing honestly here. I have been there, too.
Thanks for the support Debbie.
As long as you recognize it, He will deliver you. Lots of people don’t even think they ever do anything wrong.
Interesting perspective. Thanks for commenting Rebecca.
Jealousy is so ugly when I see it in others, but so hard to recognize in my own life. I’m thankful that you were able to recognize it and repent.
Thank you, Brooke.
Lauren, this is such a powerful post. Thank you for being open and real about your struggle. Jealousy is an awful thing and it can sneak up on the best of us. But the great thing is that you have the self-awareness to spot it and get it back in check and redirect yourself on the right course. So good for you for finding that strength and courage to address the ugly green monster. Both you and your daughter will be better for it…and your openly sharing the journey will help so many others in the process!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Thank you, Shelbee. Your encouragement means so much!
I came under conviction myself this week over myself and things I have been saying. It is so easy to fall into saying snarky unkind things to those who don’t agree with you. I have prayed and know I am forgiven but the hard part comes now. As my grandmother used to tell me all the time “a closed mouth is the easiest mended”. Wise words from a wise lady.
You are right that the hard work is just beginning thank you for taking the time to comment. Saying a prayer for you today, Victoria.
There is enough success to go around and success can be measured in so many different ways. I have this in my own family – one son who is very intelligent and very good at sport and the other who isn’t good at sport and isn’t as bright. I have to make sure I celebrate his other successes to make sure he doesn’t feel jealous – his confidence, his resilience, his ability to get on with other people etc.
Thanks for that perspective!
Okay I needed you and this post 20 years ago when our oldest first stepped on the soccer field! I’ve made my kids’ success (or not) an idol. First I think I’m doing it for their sake – ie, building them up – but deep down it wasn’t all that pure. It’s even harder when the winners are “mean girls.” Ah, well. Love the two points!
I didn’t think I would be this mom, Sue. So much harder than I thought. Thanks for reading!
The fact that you’ve come to realize is a very good start. #mixitup
Thank u.
Lauren, my first rugby coach said this:
“When the first string gets tired, the second string comes in and wins the bloody match.”
#1 at FMF this week.
https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2018/06/your-dying-spouse-490-power-of-somehow.html
Love it, Andrew!
I was reading another post this week by another blogger in this vein. It is so easy to let that sneak up on us unaware and it’s so important to remember that we don’t have to be catty, that we can be better.
Amen. Thank u for reading Calleen.
Isn’t it amazing how we can learn from our children to celebrate the successes of others? So thankful for your refreshing vulnerability in this post, Lauren. God’s grace is more than enough to cover you!
Visiting from a Friday linkup much later than planned. 🙂
Thank you, Marva.
Lauren, it stings when the Lord pulls back the blinders and lets us see ourselves in our sin. But how marvelous that He also reminds us that He’s covered our sin—past, present and future. Great post.
That is the sweet stuff, Debbie. Thank you.
Wow, Lauren! You always seem to nail it when you write so truthfully. I think we all struggle with this in today’s culture and competitive society. I’m sure parents have always struggled to some extent, but I truly think that social media has taken those feelings to a whole new platform because it’s broadened the number of people who we can “see”. We can compare ourselves and our kids with tons of people, and we can see people’s accomplishments way more readily than parents from 20 years ago. I really want God to show me how to be truly happy for all of the accomplishments of those around me…not more jealousy or wondering why that’s not me or my kid.
I want that too, Theresa. Thanks so much for reading and sharing.
Thanks for putting into words the Christian experience we all struggle with. The flesh and the spirit are truly at war, aren’t they! It helps us understand why Paul could say, “I’m the chief of all sinners.” May we all be broken when we see sin’s ugliness in us. I’ve certainly seen it in me more times than I care to think about. Thanks again for your honest, convicting post.
Thank you, Donna.
Hi admin, i’ve been reading your articles for some time and I really like coming back
here. I can see that you probably don’t make money on your blog.
I know one interesting method of earning money, I think you will like it.
Search google for: dracko’s tricks
Great post. With self awareness we can do something about our shortcomings. I have to be so careful that when my girls are telling me about an achievement I don’t ask how their friends did to establish where they are in the pecking order. Focusing on taking part and being happy is what is important and what I try to focus on 🙂
Thanks, Tom. Good advice! Great to see a dad on these link ups!