My daughter Shelby turned 21 this month. I don’t know whether to consider 18 or 21 more significant in the life of a young adult, but both signify milestones of a sort. For me 21 means the hard work of changing every one of her doctors from pediatric specialists to adult care practitioners. This proves more difficult when combined with finding docs who accept her government issued insurance. She has private insurance through my husband’s work, but once she turns 26 she will lose it and depend solely on the other. And I don’t want to do all this again in 5 years. Oh yes, we also have to transition her insurance.
All of this made me reminiscent of that 18th birthday. After a lot of expense and paperwork, the courts appointed my husband and me as Shelby’s legal guardians. I wrote about it previously, so I will only summarize here. We basically had her declared incompetent. A hard thing to say, but a harder thing to do.
I promise this is not a Britney Spears-type situation. Don’t @ me with your #freeShelby. Since Shelby is developmentally about 2 years old, she isn’t fit to make her own decisions or make her own money. This step ensured that doctors, pharmacists, school personnel and other institutions will forever give us access to records and managing authority.
When the court day arrived and the guardianship granted, I immediately felt relief. But as soon as I got out of the courthouse, grief enveloped me. I started to cry and didn’t stop for 30 minutes. I had no doubt that Chuck and I did the right thing, but mourned the “adult” that Shelby would never get to be.
Trust
God has been teaching me to trust Him this year. I chose TRUST (or it chose me) for my One Word 2021. It struck me that I often feel the same dichotomy of relief and grief about my decisions as I did on that summer day outside the courthouse. As I’ve turned some things over to God (Or to be more forthcoming, He ripped them out of my unwilling hands.), I grieved. For what I would not be able to know and what I could no longer do. But the relief.
Every year, my husband and I must petition the court for renewal of the guardianship granted over my daughter. In the same way, I periodically (okay, maybe multiple times a day) must renew my trust in the God of the Universe to be my managing authority. Old habits die hard, after all. I attempt to nose my way into situations and wrestle back control more often than I like to admit. And every time I convince myself that I need the reins again, my anxiety skyrockets.
I am no more equipped to handle what should be entrusted to God than my sweet Shelby can handle the responsibilities of adulthood. (Sometimes I wonder if I can handle adulthood!) But every time I err on the side of self-reliance, God graciously steps in again – letting me know that He never really let go.
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Praying for you, Chuck, and Shelby this morning. May God continue to be with you all each year as you trust Him for guardianship. So grateful that He alone is ultimately our Guardian. Shelby is blessed to have you both as parents and I pray the Lord continues to give you favor.
Thank you for that sweet prayer, Joanne. I so appreciate it.
“I attempt to nose my way into situations and wrestle back control…” Thanks for putting into words what I do! I also have a child who I have guardianship. He is 28 years-old now. He doesn’t like the ‘control,’ yet we know it is for His best interest. And our Father is the absolute One who knows what is best for us even (though I may not like it at times either)!
So thankful that His way are best! Thanks for sympathizing with me, Lynn.
I didn’t realize guardianship had to be renewed every year. And what a pain the change of insurance must be. There are some similarities with my husband’s having his mother’s power of attorney. He had to contact over 30 doctors before he found one that would accept her–even though she had a Blue Cross supplemental policy in addition to her Medicaid. I hope that’s not the case for you all! And even though eh had POA, some government officials made it really hard for him to get information or submit paperwork. I guess that’s supposedly out of protection for the elderly, but in reality, it made her care more difficult than it needed to be.
That’s a neat picture, though, of relinquishing all control to the Lord. Even though we know He can handle it all well and wisely, we still need frequent reminders to place all in His hands.
A handful of people who would take advantage of a situation make it harder for everyone. Thanks for reading and commenting, Barbara.
Oh, Lauren. Shelby is so beautiful! I love the Minnie Mouse picture. 🙂 I can’t imagine the difficult times you’ve lived through. But it gives me more insight into how you’ve become so compassionate. I realize that hardships don’t automatically make a person more compassionate (sometimes it can have the opposite effect!), but when you consistently depend on the Lord to get you through those hardships, you are more and more transformed into the image of Christ and thus show his compassion too. You prove this to be true.
You are so very kind, Lisa. The more I can look like Him the better!
Lauren, may the Lord continue to give you grace as you transition from pediatric to adult doctors. And may you experience God’s favor as you do yearly petitions to the court for guardianship.
Your daughter is beautiful! When we lived in another city, our neighbor’s son still lived with them. The son was 63, but had the mentality of a 5 year old. It always warmed my heart to see the father and son out for their morning stroll.
Thank you so much for that prayer, Lisa.
Lauren, I hope this isn’t rubbing salt in a wound, but where I work, there’s a handicap dependent provision, where insurance coverage can continue past age 26. There are forms to fill out as documentation, of course. I’m 99% sure you’ve reviewed the provisions available in your husband’s plan, but just in case you hadn’t, I wanted to mention it.
Thanks for your openness in sharing your struggles. I agree that trusting can be so hard, and I pray for you as you press on in this life’s journey.
Since I wrote this, my husband told me he thinks we may have that available too. We just need to do some research. Thank you so much for bringing it up!
Lauren,
“The conversion of things from constant obsession to daily prayer request…” I might go a step further — to hourly prayer request. I have OCD — an anxiety disorder that causes me to obsess about many things. Giving God guardianship over my thoughts, the future, my kids, etc. is a continual challenge. But oh the sweet relief when we really hand it over and trust. I believe that is the “sweet spot” in which God wants us to live. I think you are doing an awesome job!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Thank you for the encouragement, Bev. And you’re right. Sometimes the prayer requests come much more often than once a day!
Lauren, this post had me teary this morning. As you know my youngest granddaughter is walking a similar path to Shelby.
She is such a delight but many do not realise the hard work that goes on behind the scenes with such sweet ones.
Thank you for sharing your heart here.
Blessings, ❤️
Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer!
Hi Lauren, thank you for sharing this deeply personal and difficult story with us. While I can’t even fathom what kind of situation you are in, it just really makes me upset that in a few years you will have to worry about healthcare and insurance for Shelby. Our healthcare is so messed up and puts parents like you into so much hardship when you are in it pretty hard right now. I pray that God gives you the strength to get through these struggles.
That is so kind of you Peter. God always provides.
Your daughter is lovely. My sister and brother-in-law walk a similar road. It’s hard. Very hard on some days. But God is good. All the time. Thank you for sharing your heart.
He is so faithful. Thanks, Lisa.
Oh wow, Lauren, you never cease to inspire me with the way you share your vulnerabilities and your journey. Letting go of control is so hard and I think that your struggle with that is completely valid. Your sweet daughter needs you and in turn you need support in that process as well. I am so glad that you have your faith to keep you living your best life and making sure that Shelby’s life is full and rewarding. Thanks for always sharing bits of your heart with us!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
You are so sweet to always read and comment with such attention. Thank you, Shelbee.