Today, I am all

And then I’m

And then I’m back to

I got disconnected from My Buddy today!  If you didn’t read my blog post about Buddy, you can find it here.  To catch you up, I was attached to a wound vac for 16 days.  And you know the old saying.  “Sit by a pretty girl for an hour it seems like a minute.  Wear a wound vac for 16 days it seems like a year.”  Or something like that.  I still have an open wound that I have to keep clean and dressed, but in many ways I feel like I have gotten my life back.  I am ready – and excited – to start exercising again.  I can hardly wait to get into the gym today (still taking it easy, mind you).  I don’t have to stay plugged in to charge at night anymore, so I can resume helping with Shelby’s overnight care.  My sweet husband has done more than his share.  And I can start expanding my wardrobe.  Since I had a tube coming straight out of my stomach, I was limited to 2 piece outfits with very stretchy waist bands.  I could not wear a dress without a hose coming up underneath or over the top.  And for modesty’s sake, neither of us wanted that!  I can barely contain my excitement!  I feel pounds lighter not being encumbered by that machine.

I want to keep enjoying this freedom.  In fact, I want to grow it.  If it feels this good to rid myself of a 5 lb box attached to my gut, what else can I toss that is weighing me down?  It stands to reason that sin, especially sins that are often repeated, could be keeping me from true freedom.  Hebrews 12:1 tells us that we should “lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us”.  Only then can we “run with endurance the race that is set before us”.  NASB  This verse reminds me of the TV show “Biggest Loser”.  I watched this program religiously before I got disgusted with the methods and the loose-weight-quick message it was sending.  But if you ever watched the show, you might remember that several months into the new lifestyle journey, the contestants would be asked to strap on sand bags in the amount of the weight they had shed up to that point – and then run.  Some of them would drag 70, 80, 100 lbs of extra weight around the track.  You could almost see the lightbulbs go off as they each realized how much their bodies had struggled to carry that extra flesh for so long.  As hard as it is to sit with my sin nature and dissect it, I am excited to feel that extra weight come off.  I know there are some sins of pride, selfishness and gluttony that need to be cut out of my life.  They may not come off as fast as fat on a crash diet, but I am ready to start wrestling them through with God’s help.

I don’t want to stop the spring cleaning there.  I am thinking there are things in my life that, while not biblically sin, are not God’s best for me right now.  2 Peter 2:19 says “for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved.”  NASB  What is inhibiting my kingdom work?  Or my joy for that matter?  A relationship?  A schedule that’s way too busy?  A social media addiction?  Messy finances?  I’ll be cleaning out these bins next.

What do you need to throw off today?  Jesus did the work to give us our ultimate freedom (from the eternal consequences of sin) when he died on the cross in our place.  But He certainly didn’t make that sacrifice so we could ensnare and enslave ourselves to lesser things.  “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.”  Galatians 5:1 NASB  Come on.  We’ve got some freedom work to do.

When it came to picking out a father for my children, I cheated.  When I met Chuck, he was already a dad.  On our first date I bore witness to his relationship with his son.  He wasn’t a perfect parent (no one is), but the longer we dated, the more I was impacted by the love, pride and devotion Chuck had – and still has – for Chandler.  I saw tears (from Chuck’s eyes) over long separations and complete joy wash over his face when they reunited.  I watched my future husband pour into Chan’s spiritual growth and I watched them play.  By the time Chuck proposed, I could hardly wait to have children with this man.  We were pregnant within our first year of marriage.

When Shelby came along, I learned how good my husband is in crisis.  When our daughter started seizing at 4 months of age, Chuck’s cool head and tender concern were a life vest to this drowning mama.  I can’t even count the number of times he scooped her convulsing body up in his arms and drove her to the hospital.  But I also can’t count the number of times he has pushed her in a swing, read her a book, pedaled her wheelchair bicycle, or tickled the bottom of her foot until she is howling with laughter.  He is involved in every medical decision, education planning meeting, and therapy goal.  And as Shelby has grown, Chuck has taken the lead in many of the more difficult aspects of her care as injury and illness have knocked me down time and again.

Chuck was as excited for Allie – our last baby – as he was for the first.  Little girls really do have a way of wrapping their daddies around their little fingers.  It’s a cliche because it’s true.  As she has planted herself firmly in the pre-teen years, their relationship has gotten more difficult.  Hormones and “girl issues” have been a challenge for Daddy to navigate, but oh, how he is trying.  If love could be measured in effort, his affection for his baby girl would flow off the chart.

Then came the grandkids.  We have 4 of them already (at a very young age I might add).  And Pop adores them.  He takes every opportunity he can to see them and misses them like crazy when he can’t.  He loves to play with them – from the oldest to the youngest.  And they love him.

This year, I feel that I have experienced Chuck as a father in an increasingly personal way.  With my cancer diagnosis, my husband has somewhat changed his role from lover to care-giver.  This is only temporary, mind you.  Stella will get her groove back.  But for now, he is loving me by helping me with surgery wound care, reminding me to take my medicine, making sure I am sleeping enough and not over-exerting, and going with me to doctor’s appointments whenever possible.  He prays over me and dotes over me; and even with cancer, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because he is with me.

God was very generous when He chose Chuck to lead our family.  I can truthfully say to our Daddy, “I thank my God in all my remembrance of you.”  Phil 1:3 NASB  Happy Father’s Day, Chuck.

If you read my last weepy, whiney blog post, you know I now have an open wound from a post surgery infection.  And if you didn’t get a chance to read it, I’m sure my description has you antsy to click here and devour that uplifting piece.  To insure the healing of the infection, I am currently attached to a wound vac 24 hours a day.  I have provided a picture of one for you here because – trust me on this one – you don’t want to google images for “wound vac” yourself.  You can’t unsee that.

This device is attached to an opening in my abdomen and it stays in an ugly, black cross-body bag that I wear at all times.  (Someone suggested I carry it in a cute cross-body instead, but why put pearls on the pig?)  Since I named both of my JP drains after my big surgery, my husband insisted that I needed to name this too.  He immediately started brain-storming on the way to the surgeon’s office to get it.  I told him I thought we needed to wait and meet him first before we could come up with an appropriate title.  After placement and instructions, it came to me while climbing back into the car to go home.  Remember this doll?

Wherever I go, he goes.  Seems appropriate.  And you are welcome for the ear worm.  Anyway, my Buddy continuously removes infected tissue from the area and stores it in the canister on the right side of the machine.  To add insult to injury (literally), it makes gurgling, farting type noises as it works.  *Sigh*  It’s almost enough to turn me into a hermit.

My first few days home from the hospital, I was too self conscious to get out of the house much, so a sweet friend came over to hang out with me for the afternoon.  I was grouching and complaining (as I am so apt to do) about having to lug this thing around – I mean, just taking a shower and trying to keep it dry is a herculean task.  But as I spewed my negativity, my friend said, “Well, I’m just so thankful there is a way to fight infection.”  Oh.  Well, sure.  Look on the bright side.

Oh, this is why we need each other.  When I can’t see the healing for the wound vac, someone else can.  “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV  When I need scraping up off the floor, a sister in Christ can do that for me.  And hopefully soon, when I am less needy, I can reciprocate.  “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  Proverbs 27:17  NIV  So even if I am embarrassed and feel like secluding myself at home, I am going to fight that urge, because I need my people.  “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”  Hebrews 10:24-25 NIV