The original Wilson kept Tom Hanks company on a deserted island.  My Wilson served the purpose of removing excess fluid that my body didn’t need after surgery.  But he was also a nuisance.  I have slept in a recliner for the last four and one half weeks while longing for my king-sized bed for fear of rolling over on him and spilling his contents.  Every article of clothing I have worn, including pajamas, had to have a pocket that he would fit in.  And if I wanted to go out in public, I desired a shirt long enough and flowy enough to hide his existence.  To take a shower, I had to wear a lanyard and pin him to it since my birthday suit contains no pockets.  He was attached to me and there was no escape.

Until this morning, when my surgeon mercifully declared his job done and yanked Wilson out.  I could hardly contain my excitement.  Thoughts of bathing unencumbered and expanding my wardrobe to include non-pocketed pants and shirts that did not qualify as tunics danced through my head.  I wanted to stand up on the exam table and recite the famous words of Martin Luther King, Jr., “Free at last!  Free at last!  Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last!”  OK.  Maybe that’s being a hair dramatic.  But throughout the course of the day, my freedom from the drain made me mindful of other types of freedom.

The post-surgery drains are not the only burdens I have been hauling around during this time in my life.  I have also been saddled with sadness and doubts; pulling me down and keeping me from the abundant life God promises (John 10:10).  However, the primary emotion that’s been weighing me down is fear.  Fear that we won’t pick the right treatment.  Fear of how different and foreign my body will be.  Fear of being sick.  Fear of loosing my hair.  Fear of looking sick and how others will react to me.  I could let it overwhelm me right now just typing about it – and some days I have.  But I know that fear is not from God.  1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…”.  God is that perfect love and if I’ll give my fear to Him, He will get rid of it!

Unlike the split second it took to free me from Wilson forever, the other things bogging me down and cramping my style are more difficult to untether.  Sadness, doubt and fear are very human emotions.  But 2 Kings 20:5 says, “I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.  I will heal you.”  That is the truth I must remind myself when these negative emotions try to bog me down.  And Jesus Himself said, “and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”  John 8:32  So I will stay in the process.  I will call upon the strength of God to stand firm against anything that attempts to drag me away from Him for, “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

God’s promises of freedom in Christ are for everyone.  “…the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.”  Romans 8:21  ALL creation.  You.  Me.  Everyone.  No matter what sin or negative emotion has you feeling trapped or enslaved, you can turn it over to Jesus right now.  That doesn’t mean you won’t ever struggle with it again, but if you faithfully seek Him, and give it up to Him every time it tries to attach itself to you, you will find the joyous freedom God promises.  You and I can move from locked-in to liberated.

“So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.”  John 8:36

It’s a fun and encouraging tune, and honestly, I live most of my life this way.  Not because thinking positive is easy.  And certainly not because my life is easy.  I choose it.  I choose to dwell on what I have instead of what I don’t.  I choose to see the good that can come out of something instead of the bad.  It’s not always easy when Shelby is seizing or not sleeping.  It’s really hard when Allie is acting like a typical, self-absorbed pre-teen.  It’s especially challenging when I get another speeding ticket or my husband is in “a mood”.  But I still try my best to live with joy because life is better that way.  

BUT in all honesty, I don’t have the energy today.  This dance I’ve been doing with cancer, which is long from over, has had it’s ups and downs.  And today, I’m down.  It seems that not one thing has been easy since diagnosis.  Every time I have been told “there’s just a slight chance that…” something worse could happen, it does.  From finding invasive cancer when the doctor thought it was only non-invasive; from chemo being off the table to putting it front and center, to infection, to surgery wounds not healing correctly – it all kinda makes me want to take myself to bed.  In the middle of the day.  

At now 3 and a half weeks post double mastectomy, I am still lugging around a drain.  Although I am thankful he doesn’t hurt me like Brutus did, I am tired of trying to finding clothes I can smuggle him underneath.  We have named him Wilson, since he has become my constant companion (Cast Away reference).  

The good news is my droopy, mopey perspective is temporary.  It has to do with today’s doctor’s appointment not going the way I had hoped.  And possibly this rainy weather.  These too shall pass.  Spending Easter weekend contemplating the suffering that my Savior went through FOR ME reminds me of how small my sufferings are in the grand scheme of what He has for me (and you).  So I will leave you with these three verses I will be meditating on until the positive thoughts come back:

“He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge.”  Psalm 91:4

“When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2

“But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me.”  2 Timothy 4:17