Mothers and daughters. It’s a complicated thing.
Her children arise and call her blessed; Proverbs 31:28a
Yeah, that ain’t happening in my house. My 14 year old daughter loves Jesus, and she’s mature enough in her faith to understand that her relationship with God should affect the way she treats me. But oh, the hormones and insecurities and growing pains and emerging wings. At times the sass and disrespect just explodes out of her like a balloon blown up past capacity. Other times I can see the battle waging inside of her as the war continues between us. And I am no innocent in the matter. As much as I love her (it’s so painful at times), her words and tone can prick my pride like nothing else. Anger, confusion and hurt feelings = more hurt feelings – hers. What hills are worth dying on? What can I let go for the sake of harmony and what will lead her into a life of crime and sloth if not dealt with? When should I apologize and when should I insist that she?
Being a mom to a daughter is hard. Just last week, I said these words to my beautiful girl, “How are we going to rewrite this story so I’m not always the villain? You know I am FOR you, right?” I know I’m not alone. Every time I bring the subject up with friends or acquaintances (anyone who will listen, really), I receive sympathy, understanding and similar stories in return. Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters by Blythe Daniel and Helen McIntosh has put me on the path of rewriting the story. Written by a mother/daughter duo, they draw from their own personal anecdotes and Helen’s doctorate of Education in Counseling Psychology to provide a resource that is both relatable and helpful.
Advice From This Book on Mothers and Daughters
One of the biggest wake up calls from this book is that,
Luke 12:12 tells us that “The Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” And the solid advice from the book that goes right along with this scripture is to “Intentionally speak slower than you normally would so you can make sure you aren’t saying things too quickly for your mind to register.”
While praying to “ask Him for clarity and guidance on what [I] need to do to break away from and begin a new path…” I’ve realized that my normal parenting style – that of lecturer – may not work well at this stage in my girl’s life. I view every infraction as an opportunity for a lesson. And while that may be true, teenagers hear lectures about as well as we hear the teacher in episodes of Charlie Brown. With 14 years of instruction already behind us, leading by example may be the better route. Especially in the areas of love, respect and forgiveness. The authors point out that “Forgiveness isn’t just an act we walk through; it’s a way of life we choose.” My takeaway? Apologize and ask forgiveness often. The tutorial is in the living illustration.
I’m working to “Let down defenses and pick up unconditional acceptance.” After all, my daughter is pretty amazing. She plays volleyball, makes A’s, loves Jesus and loves to tell others about Him. She can sing, act, and is a fiercely loyal friend. She feels things deeply and gives her Mama all the feels. And even if she wasn’t all those things, I would still be so proud to call her mine. She is one of God’s great gifts and I’m so grateful to have a front row seat to see all the ways He will use her.
The authors and Harvest House Publishers generously provided me with a copy of this book for review and they extended their generosity to you! I have one extra copy of this book to giveaway to a lucky reader. If you are not a current subscriber to my blog (I rarely email more than once a week with the new post), click subscribe and sign up. That’s all you have to do to enter. If you already subscribe (thank you!), leave a comment on this post. I will select one reader from comments and new subscribers randomly on 4/18 and mail the book to you!
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Your blog keeps me going an inspires me to be a better me! Thank you for your biblical insights and for being real. Dawn Rickards
That is such a kind thing for you to say. Thank you, Dawn. We are just striving to be like Jesus.
Your blog inspires me to be a better me. Thank you for your biblical insight and for being real.
I just read this verse because I see way too much anger and rebellion in some children, and I have seen lots of daycare children over the years. We have to let the Lord teach them. All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace. Isaiah 54:13 ( And ours too. )
So much good stuff here, Lauren. I love the suggestions to speak more slowly than normal and to lead by example instead of jumping at every opportunity to impart a life lesson (my teenager daughters LOVE those). This sounds like a wonderful book.
I found it very helpful, Lois.
Oh, Lauren. I never had daughters, but I do appreciate your words. I think mothers of sons do miss (maybe) some of the snarkyness, but we do become uncool for a period of time in the teenage years.
I actually used to ask the kids in my class at school “When I speak, do I sound like Charlie Brown’s mother to you? You know, ‘Wah wah wah-wah…’ ”
I needed to read this line: “Intentionally speak slower than you normally would so you can make sure you aren’t saying things too quickly for your mind to register.”
Thank you!
Thanks, Laurie.
Thanks for sharing your experience and your review of this book, Lauren! It looks like a good one. I had a rocky relationship with my daughter when she was that age, but it got better. A friend told me some good advice,”Let her go up on the rollercoaster (hormones, outbursts). You stay on the ground.” I found keeping my own calm helped, so did apologizing, and when my girl was about 17, I started to let her know how some of her words hurt my feelings and made me feel like a bad mom. THAT made a big difference. We are besties today. She is 19!
That is such great encouragement, Betsy. Thank you!!!
I too, had a rocky relationship with my elder son when he was a teen. I remember those shouting matches well! But over the years, we became close. He shared that I was getting better because I was becoming less controlling but I thought I cut him more slack because he was getting better!
#GlobalBlogging
Thank you for the encouragement!
I have no daughters but I have two sons. But I can relate with mending the mother-daughter relationship because of my own relationship with my mother. Growing up as a teenager and even in my early 20s, my mother and I would always clash. She is a very traditional Christian woman who has a very hot temper. Haha. I grew up confused about why she says one thing and does another. However, when I became a mom, I realized that as humans we are imperfect beings. And that I turned out almost exactly like my mother! Even my mom had her struggles- but what’s important is that she loves her family. Only by God’s grace. #globalblogging
Only by God’s grace indeed. Thank you for engaging.
I had a gap in between my first 4 children and 5th. So I did the whole teen thing it seemed with the 1st 4 all at once. I only had one daughter in the first set and my youngest is my Emma Grace. She is 11 and I’m already experiencing the eye rolls, the “maaammm, but why’s” I learned a lot with my older ones but goodness Im not sure we ever learn enough and each one is different….what I do know is that I want to love her well, in action through her teen years, I want to most of all share more Jesus in my actions than I did with my others. Mending along the way is far better than waiting to mend. #purposefulfaith
Mending along the way. Love this. Thank you!
My daughter is only 10 and the battles have started. *ugh* That book seems like a great resource.
It is Summer. I would also recommend “Winning the Heart of Your Child” by Mike Berry. It has been a true turn around for parenting for my husband and me.
tweeted! I feel your pain. I have three. (: I will attempt to speak slower this week. What an insightful question you asked your daughter! I’m confident she will use it on her daughter some day!
Ha! I pray my daughter will do it better with hers from the get-go! Thanks, Sue.
Thank you, Lauren! I’ve been waiting for someone to post a book review on this that I could share. Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements!
Awesome! Thanks, Patsy.
Oh, how I remember those years! It wasn’t until long after they were over that God led my husband and me into a ministry of biblical counseling. I often wish I had known some of the things I have learned since then … back then. My husband often tells parents that this is the season for learning to control less and influence more. Thanks for sharing your story with humor and grace.
Those are wise words from your husband, Donna. Thank you.
Thanks so much for linking up with us at the #WednesdayAIMLinkParty 35! Shared x 3 ♥
Thank you for hosting.
Two of my friends are currently in the throes of teen daughters and I am constantly comforting them and encouraging them that they’re going to make it through. I also frequently use the phrase “this is not the hill you want to die on!” I’m so happy that others use it also! #GlobalBlogging
Parenting is not for sissies! Thanks for weighing in, Heather.
The mother daughter relationship is one of the most beautiful but equally most difficult there is I think. Mine is only 3.5 years old and already there is sass. Lord help me!
Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime
You have many years yet to enjoy her. But if the tough times come, seek wise counsel and pray, pray, pray. It is too precious a relationship to be careless with. Thanks for weighing in.
Sounds like a great book to read! I don’t have daughters but my youngest reminds me of me when I was his age. This book could also help grown women reconnect with their mothers I think? #ABloggingGoodTime
Absolutely, Michelle. It is about both ends of the mothering spectrum.
Thanks for sharing this encouragement and great book recommendation at Booknificent Thursday at Mommynificent.com this month!
Tina
Thank you for hosting!