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19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20 NIV
I often pray the words, “Lord, come quickly.” I recently added the prayer, “Let the election pass quickly.” People seem to lose their ever loving minds over presidential elections. Social media turns into a hotbed of hatred and vitriol – even more so than usual. And from my vantage point, Christians often shout the loudest and fling the most poo. This both frustrates and saddens me.
There is a reason people say we should never talk about politics or religion at the dinner table. And it’s not because those topics aren’t interesting. We have simply forgotten (or maybe never taught) how to listen to people we disagree with. I use the election as a current and relevant thorn in my side, but we could just as well substitute racial equality, differences in theology, our response to COVID-19, or a slew of other hot topics.
John 13:35 says, By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. NIV What I have never seen in the Bible is that we will show others we follow Jesus with our anti-fill in the blank rhetoric. I don’t know how “love one another” got translated to “convince you to think just like me”. And even if it did, I don’t see the arguing leading to much convincing. If anything, it’s just causing more arguing.
I think our conversations become so cyclical and fruitless because we fail in the art of listening well. In a debate (friendly or not), we most often listen only long enough to formulate our counter-point instead of listening to understand. It’s a problem as old as time. I mean, did you see the 1st presidential debate? Or some would say debacle? Proverbs 18:13 NIV states, To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. But that foolishness is exactly what most of us do. So how can we listen better, and as a result, conduct healthier dialogue?
1. Be About the Relationship
God is love, and the Bible tells the story of His love relationship with us from beginning to end. His word commands us to love others because He loves us (1 John 4:19) and love is about relationship. Our goal in any interaction – whether in person or online – should be to show Christ-like love. If we are primarily motivated by forming, maintaining or furthering relationship with another, we will naturally use language that encourages, builds up and shows compassion. Care more about the person than your point.
2. Ask Clarifying Questions
In a sermon a couple of months ago, my pastor suggested saying, “Help me understand… (what you said, what you’re feeling, what lead you to your opinion or ideas). How did you arrive at that conclusion?” Knowing where someone else is coming from leads to fewer misunderstandings and promotes empathy, which benefits the relationship. It also gives you the opportunity to think twice and speak once, which also leads to fewer misunderstandings.
3. Present Your “Side” with Permission
This suggestion came from my wise pastor as well. Ask permission to ask questions about what’s been said. Then say, “Is it okay if I share some thoughts on some things I see differently?” Become less of a bulldozer. You are entitled to your opinion, but you aren’t always entitled to share it. Having the humility to ask for permission shows respect for the individual (remember relationship is the goal). And let’s be honest, mowing over someone with your ideas or beliefs never really works.
Let’s open our ears and rain down grace on those we come in contact with. 2020 has been hard enough.
And now for this week’s featured post!
I just featured Barbara Harper of Stray Thoughts last week, but I had to do it again. I think she is somehow reading my mind and my struggles! In What Do You Look for When You Read the Bible, she touched on reading the Bible for truth and not just to speak into our current struggle or feeling. I believe God often does that for us with His word, but this seeking out this type of study is a slippery slope to twisting God’s word to meet our narrative. Thank you, Barbara, for this glimpse of the whole of God’s Word.
1. Share 1 or 2 of your most recent CHRISTIAN LIVING posts. (No DIY, crafts, recipes, or inappropriate articles.) All links are randomly sorted.
2. Comment on 1 or 2 other links. Grace & Truth linkup encourages community.
3. Every host features one entry from the previous week. To be featured, include this button or link back here on your post (mandatory to be featured, but not to participate).
We encourage you to follow our hosts on their blogs or social media.
MAREE DEE – Embracing the Unexpected
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HEATHER HART & VALERIE RIESE – Candidly Christian
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LAUREN SPARKS
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Thanks for featuring my post! It’s neat when God is working in multiple hearts on a given thought or topic. I’ve had that experience, too, of reading a post that touches on something I was just pondering.
And thank you and amen for the thoughts about political discussions. Our country has become so argumentative lately, and, sadly, Christians have as well.
I’m so pleased to feature you words again Barbara. Thank you for being faithful to link up.
I love the idea of asking permission to present a different point of view. That softens the conversation so much and leads with respect. A beautiful idea! Thanks for braving a tough subject and providing practical advice.
I can’t take credit for coming up with that one. My pastor’s sermons give me lots of great blogging material.
Great post, Lauren, so very needed right now. I like that you point out to be about the relationship. I think sometimes we’re so about our own point of view we forget the relationship. And also asking permission to share a different viewpoint shows compassion and consideration for others. Thank you!!
Thanks so much, Donna. I think you are right about us needing to reevaluate the way we communicate.
This is always so needed, but especially right now. I love the idea to ask permission before sharing a different perspective. I’ve never thought of it that way, but I think that would really soften the conversation. It’s so important to remember your point that the relationship and showing love need to be our foundation. Sometimes it’s tough when we feel like the issues at hand have far-reaching consequences. However, eroding the relationship misses the point and doesn’t help. Thanks for sharing this! I’m visiting today from the Inspire Me Monday link up. Have a great week Lauren!
Thanks so much for coming over, Marielle. I think your comment states my point more eloquently than I ever could!
I think the behavior around politics, no matter what the country, people group or culture it is, is very disheartening Lauren as well as saddening & shameful.
There are as many opinions on political issues as there are People on the planet… remembering to think before we speak is a such a good practice in all areas of our lives.
Blessings,
Jennifer
I agree, Jennifer. Thanks!
Lauren, this is brilliant! You have shared so many of the same thoughts I have about effective communication. I don’t know if you saw my post about it a few weeks ago but I will link it up. It’s not coming specifically from a Christian standpoint, but from the standpoint of being respectful and empathic and patient and kind and loving in our communications with one another. Anyway, I couldn’t agree more with every point you have made! Thank you for sharing and linking up with me!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
I knew there was a reason I liked you. So sensible! 😉 Thank you, Shelbee!
Oh, Lauren, it’s good for us to hear you putting this topic out there. And I do wonder if some of the reasons for all the angst out there is our sin of misplaced hope.
I definitely think that has something to do with it!
Oh, my. There’s so much wisdom packed into your post, Lauren! This topic has been on my mind a LOT lately. It breaks my heart to see the division, and like you said, much of it is coming from “Christians.” I love, love, love your tips!
Thank you, Ashley. I really appreciate it.
I love your suggestions here, Lauren! If we could each do only those 3 things (in conversations about anything, really), we would be shining a brighter light for Jesus. Thanks for sharing these.
That should always be the goal, shouldn’t it? To shine a brighter light for Jesus.
Oh dear, you stroke a chord with me right off. I’m so tired of all this unrest. I’m so saddened by it for many reasons. THank you for this reminder of how we should respond.
Coming from Faith and Worship Weekend.
Thanks for standing in agreement with me, Mandy.
Lauren, there is so much insight in your post! I thinking actively listening is one of the highest forms of respect (and love) we can offer another. When we discourse with the intention of preserving/growing in relationship and in intentionally showing love, others are drawn to us and to Jesus.
I think you said it better than me, Jeanne. Thank you.
A very timely post! My “word” for 2020 is LISTEN… and I’m fairly sure that was no coincidence. Thanks so much for sharing. 🤗 Stopping by from #tuneinthursday
Thanks so much for stopping by, Laura.