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National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: 5 Things Not to Say

October 15, 2021 by Lauren 20 Comments

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance DayToday is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  You may not be aware, unless you are someone who is remembering.  If that’s you, I want you to know how very sorry I am.  I want you to know that your story, and your baby’s life matter.  And I am praying for you.

 

In honor of this day, I asked my sister Kristen Ray, who is remembering, to share with us.  She graciously agreed.  So here are:

 

5 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO MISCARRIES

 

I have two babies – in Heaven.  I had a miscarriage in 2011 at 5 weeks and another in 2012 at 8 weeks.  Mine was a five-year journey of heartbreak, loss, thousands of dollars in fertility treatments, and in the end – empty arms.  But one of my favorite things about our God is that He never wastes a hurt, and He has given me the privilege of walking with women through difficult pregnancies and pregnancy loss.

 

I have cried with them, vacuumed their floors, run errands, and sat with them.  The most important thing I did was pray for them – frequently – using scripture – and texted them scripture to encourage them.  And

the best piece of advice I have given to those grieving is this – PEOPLE WILL SAY DUMB THINGS TO YOU.  It is only because they don’t understand.  They care, or they wouldn’t be saying anything.

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I know most people don’t intend to be hurtful.  So today, I share:

 

5 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO MISCARRIES:

 

  1. You can have another baby. I heard this – even from my OBGYN.  “You are young!  There’s plenty of time!”  That doesn’t change the fact that I lost a child.  No one would ever say this to someone who lost a toddler.  So don’t say it to someone who miscarries either.  My babies were very real, and very real to me, even if I never held them.
  2. I went to a baby funeral… Don’t tell stories of your or someone else’s experience.  A week after my first miscarriage, a prominent woman in our church made a beeline for me to tell me about a funeral she went to with a tiny casket.  All I wanted to do was run away and cry.  Why is this helpful in any way?  I also don’t need to hear about your daughter’s botched D&C.  Again, not helpful.
  3. There was obviously something wrong with the baby, so God was just taking care of it. Would you say this to someone who had a child with medical issues?    We have a special needs person in our family who is a delight.  And another family member born with a birth defect.  In fact, I was born with a birth defect, although I didn’t know it until many years later.  And I am certain that everyone in my family is glad that we are around!
  4. I didn’t invite you to my baby shower because I was afraid it would be painful for you. I know this person means well.  Don’t make the decision about what is best for me.  Please include me and let me choose – and be understanding of whatever I decide.  The week of my first miscarriage, I was scheduled to co-host a baby shower.  I bowed out of that.  I knew I wasn’t ready to handle it as was evident when I bawled my way through the explanation to the parent-to-be.  But I did go to a shower of a friend a few months later – our babies would have been about three weeks apart in age.  It was hard and I cried all the way home.  But it was important for me to be there.
  5. I am willing to be your surrogate or I have some fertility advice. An extended family member, in a letter, offered to be a surrogate for me after my second miscarriage.  I think it was intended to be a sweet offer.  But I was stunned.  It was something I had never considered.  And I was still grieving.  Don’t offer things like this or even fertility advice unless asked – or unless you know the person is interested.  They have probably seen doctors, specialists, done research – or they are going to.

 

What Should I Do on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?

 

I am sure now you are thinking, “What CAN I say?”  So let me tell you.  Just say, “I love you and I’m praying for you.”  That’s it.  It’s that simple.  All they need to know is that you care.  Don’t ask questions.  They might be on the brink of tears.  They might not feel like talking.  But if they do, your declaration of concern will open the door, and they will talk.

 

And one more thing – don’t forget about the men.  Most people check in on and focus on the women.  But my husband grieved the loss of our babies, too.  I say all this from my own experience.  I know everyone is different and I don’t presume to speak for all women in this situation.  But how can telling someone you love them and are praying for them be a bad thing?

 

Kristen Ray is the Director of Finance for Prestonwood Baptist Church is Plano, Texas.  She is a gifted mentor, friend and beloved sister, daughter and wife.  She is also my twin.

 

 

 

And now for this week’s featured post from the link up!

 

Michele Morin encouraged me this week with How’s Your Hearing These Days?  Can You Discern the Voice of God?  So many people today are searching for God in their feelings or others’ teachings and beliefs.  It’s more frightening to me than anything Halloween can throw at us.  Michele’s call to get back to the Word of God to hear His voice is important, timely and refreshing.

 

1. Share 1 or 2 of your most recent CHRISTIAN LIVING posts. (No DIY, crafts, recipes, or inappropriate articles.) All links are randomly sorted.

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The Golden Egg

April 18, 2019 by Lauren 43 Comments

First things first:  The winner of last week’s giveaway (A copy of Mended:  Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters by Blythe Daniel and Helen McIntosh) is…Summer Marrero!  Thank you so much to everyone who participated.  And now, on to this week’s post.

 

During my formative years, I lived at the end of a long caliche road in Elm Mott, Texas.  You blink and you miss this little country town driving up Interstate 35 from Austin to Dallas.  My rich friend, Deanna, lived about half way down the road.  Her family owned a bigger plot of land, a golf cart, and a trampoline.  They lived in the only house with more than one story and the road bore their last name.  In my book, Deanna was rich.

 

One Easter Sunday I remember her telling me about the egg hunt they have every year.  Her parents hid plastic eggs all over their property and all the kids and grandkids kept their eyes peeled for the gold one.  All the pretty pastel eggs held candy and fun trinkets.  Those were ok.  But the gold one – it had $50 inside.  The golden egg turned this hunt into a sport.  It was the coveted prize.

 

On Good Friday, we remember that God loved us so much that He made a way for relationship with us – now and for eternity.  Romans 3:23 NIV disputes the myth that we can ever be good enough to earn God’s love and mercy (“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”).  Because we sin, our punishment is death.  And not just the ceasing of life that we all experience here on this earth.  An eternal death that is separation from God – here and forever.  (Romans 6:23 NIV “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[a]Christ Jesus our Lord.”)  Jesus, who never sinned, took the punishment for all of us who have.  “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Romans 5:8 NIV  He died on a cross, but death could not hold my King.  Jesus rose from the dead, conquering sin and death for us, allowing us to be in relationship with the perfect Creator of the Universe.  It’s too much.  I don’t deserve it.  We can’t earn it.  And in His great love and mercy, we don’t have to try.  Romans 10:9-10 NIV assures us, “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.”  

 

This is what we celebrate on Easter Sunday (and EVERY day).

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The true “golden egg” of this holiday is this “gift of God”.  This “eternal life in Christ Jesus” when we make Him Lord over the whole of ourselves.  This freedom – worth immeasurably more than $50 – God offers freely to whoever will believe in it.  In Him.  You don’t have to search for this prize.  Our Heavenly Father holds it out to you with an open hand.  If you have questions about how to reach out and take it, I would love to visit with you virtually or in person.  Email me confidentially at [email protected].  I can’t wait to talk to you more about my Savior.  And I pray you find rest and refreshment in your “golden egg” this Easter.

 

“For from him and through him and for him are all things.  To him be the glory forever! Amen.”  Romans 11:36 NIV 

 

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About Me

I love Jesus, my husband and caffeine. The order of these can change depending on how tired I am. When my two daughters, stepson, and 4 grandchildren get to be too much, I practice yoga. God graciously allows me to share our adventures, victories and flub-ups from my laptop. May He be glorified here.
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