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National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: 5 Things Not to Say

October 15, 2021 by Lauren 20 Comments

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance DayToday is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  You may not be aware, unless you are someone who is remembering.  If that’s you, I want you to know how very sorry I am.  I want you to know that your story, and your baby’s life matter.  And I am praying for you.

 

In honor of this day, I asked my sister Kristen Ray, who is remembering, to share with us.  She graciously agreed.  So here are:

 

5 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO MISCARRIES

 

I have two babies – in Heaven.  I had a miscarriage in 2011 at 5 weeks and another in 2012 at 8 weeks.  Mine was a five-year journey of heartbreak, loss, thousands of dollars in fertility treatments, and in the end – empty arms.  But one of my favorite things about our God is that He never wastes a hurt, and He has given me the privilege of walking with women through difficult pregnancies and pregnancy loss.

 

I have cried with them, vacuumed their floors, run errands, and sat with them.  The most important thing I did was pray for them – frequently – using scripture – and texted them scripture to encourage them.  And

the best piece of advice I have given to those grieving is this – PEOPLE WILL SAY DUMB THINGS TO YOU.  It is only because they don’t understand.  They care, or they wouldn’t be saying anything.

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I know most people don’t intend to be hurtful.  So today, I share:

 

5 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO MISCARRIES:

 

  1. You can have another baby. I heard this – even from my OBGYN.  “You are young!  There’s plenty of time!”  That doesn’t change the fact that I lost a child.  No one would ever say this to someone who lost a toddler.  So don’t say it to someone who miscarries either.  My babies were very real, and very real to me, even if I never held them.
  2. I went to a baby funeral… Don’t tell stories of your or someone else’s experience.  A week after my first miscarriage, a prominent woman in our church made a beeline for me to tell me about a funeral she went to with a tiny casket.  All I wanted to do was run away and cry.  Why is this helpful in any way?  I also don’t need to hear about your daughter’s botched D&C.  Again, not helpful.
  3. There was obviously something wrong with the baby, so God was just taking care of it. Would you say this to someone who had a child with medical issues?    We have a special needs person in our family who is a delight.  And another family member born with a birth defect.  In fact, I was born with a birth defect, although I didn’t know it until many years later.  And I am certain that everyone in my family is glad that we are around!
  4. I didn’t invite you to my baby shower because I was afraid it would be painful for you. I know this person means well.  Don’t make the decision about what is best for me.  Please include me and let me choose – and be understanding of whatever I decide.  The week of my first miscarriage, I was scheduled to co-host a baby shower.  I bowed out of that.  I knew I wasn’t ready to handle it as was evident when I bawled my way through the explanation to the parent-to-be.  But I did go to a shower of a friend a few months later – our babies would have been about three weeks apart in age.  It was hard and I cried all the way home.  But it was important for me to be there.
  5. I am willing to be your surrogate or I have some fertility advice. An extended family member, in a letter, offered to be a surrogate for me after my second miscarriage.  I think it was intended to be a sweet offer.  But I was stunned.  It was something I had never considered.  And I was still grieving.  Don’t offer things like this or even fertility advice unless asked – or unless you know the person is interested.  They have probably seen doctors, specialists, done research – or they are going to.

 

What Should I Do on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?

 

I am sure now you are thinking, “What CAN I say?”  So let me tell you.  Just say, “I love you and I’m praying for you.”  That’s it.  It’s that simple.  All they need to know is that you care.  Don’t ask questions.  They might be on the brink of tears.  They might not feel like talking.  But if they do, your declaration of concern will open the door, and they will talk.

 

And one more thing – don’t forget about the men.  Most people check in on and focus on the women.  But my husband grieved the loss of our babies, too.  I say all this from my own experience.  I know everyone is different and I don’t presume to speak for all women in this situation.  But how can telling someone you love them and are praying for them be a bad thing?

 

Kristen Ray is the Director of Finance for Prestonwood Baptist Church is Plano, Texas.  She is a gifted mentor, friend and beloved sister, daughter and wife.  She is also my twin.

 

 

 

And now for this week’s featured post from the link up!

 

Michele Morin encouraged me this week with How’s Your Hearing These Days?  Can You Discern the Voice of God?  So many people today are searching for God in their feelings or others’ teachings and beliefs.  It’s more frightening to me than anything Halloween can throw at us.  Michele’s call to get back to the Word of God to hear His voice is important, timely and refreshing.

 

1. Share 1 or 2 of your most recent CHRISTIAN LIVING posts. (No DIY, crafts, recipes, or inappropriate articles.) All links are randomly sorted.

2. Comment on 1 or 2 other links. Grace & Truth linkup encourages community.

3. Every host features one entry from the previous week. To be featured, include this button or link back here on your post (mandatory to be featured, but not to participate).

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MAREE DEE – Embracing the Unexpected
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A Different Kind of Mothering

May 9, 2019 by Lauren 53 Comments

Photo by Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash

Although I am looking forward to Mother’s Day (I actually refer to the whole month as Mother’s May – stolen from a friend – because I think I should be celebrated all month long), I know that it is not a happy occasion for many women and bittersweet for others.  My twin sister is one of those.  Many people can’t tell my sister and I apart.  We look alike and act and talk alike in many ways.  But there are key differences.  She is more left-brained and I am right.  She is smarter than I will ever be and I strive to be as thoughtful as she is.  And yet unfathomably, God allowed me to have children, while she remains without.

 

Kristen lost two pregnancies and struggled with infertility for many years.  I will never know or understand her pain from miscarrying a loved and hoped for baby.  I will never experience the dashed hopes of a period that came once again.  Kristen is my only frame of reference for the side effects, monetary cost and inconvenience of fertility treatments.  But I hurt with her every Mother’s Day (and many other days) as she’s once again reminded that this dream of hers never came true.  But as much as it pains me, our loving and compassionate God grieves with her so much more.  Psalm 56:8 NLT says,” You keep track of all my sorrows.[b]  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.”

 

No tear slips past our Heavenly Father. 

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He knows the cry of my sister’s heart.  And though for reasons we may never understand, He closed her womb, He opened her heart to a different kind of mothering.  Kristen has mentored many friends and younger women in their spiritual journeys and through difficult times in their lives.  Her prayers, wisdom and time bless more than she will ever divulge as she quietly serves.  The children of her girlfriends hold a special place in her heart as well.  And there is no aunt on par with her.  Our younger sister’s daughters adore her and look forward to time with her.  She has taken them to Christmas activities, American Ninja Warrior-style obstacle courses, hosted them for sleepovers and gone to their dance recitals.

 

When she goes out of state to see her husband’s nieces and nephews, she plans and executes “Cooking with Aunt Kristen”.  They all look forward to making a new fun and tasty treat with her at every visit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And my girls?  They adore Kristen.  She has bedded down for the night with Shelby to give Chuck and I a break and plans special shopping and dining adventures with Allie.  She comes to plays and volleyball games and special Olympic banquets.  As my youngest is firmly implanted in those tough teen years, it brings me joy and ease of mind to know she has a mature Christ-follower who loves her to talk to when she would rather not talk to me.  It really does take a village, and I’m glad my sister is a part of mine. 

 

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I know it can’t possibly remove the pain of a longing unfulfilled, but I hope my sister feels joy and pride in knowing how much she has impacted so many.  My kids…and many, many others are so much better because of her.  And I pray that God will inspire and raise up other women to mentor and “mother” children not born from their bodies.  The world needs more believing women loving and nurturing those in their sphere of influence.

 

A couple of years ago, Kristen’s sister-in-law sent her this bracelet on Mother’s Day to show her just how much she’s needed and appreciated.  I wish I had thought of it.  Romans 16:13 records Paul referring to Rufus’ mother as also being a mother to him.  When Kristen is one day welcomed into her eternal reward, I believe there will be a line of people with the same testimony for her.

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About Me

I love Jesus, my husband and caffeine. The order of these can change depending on how tired I am. When my two daughters, stepson, and 4 grandchildren get to be too much, I practice yoga. God graciously allows me to share our adventures, victories and flub-ups from my laptop. May He be glorified here.
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